*Song: Fix You by Coldplay
The thrusts were slow and gentle. Hands touching and caressing every inch of my body. Neither I nor Ben dared to speak. I buried my head into his shoulder while I let out gentle moans as a finished. He was not far behind me. I heard him grunt while he finished inside me. His hands were tight around my waist. It was as if he was afraid I would just turn into dust and blow away.
Well, I guess that was a reasonable fear since my family did exactly that.
The moment was too vulnerable and breakable. These last two weeks had been exactly like this. We didn't talk about it. We both chose to cope in our own ways. He would leave during the day to work and take out his emotions with violence. For me, I curled up into bed when he left and cried until he came home. And when he did come home we used your mutual grief and fucked out our emotions. Was it healthy? No, but did it work? Yes. We both refused to acknowledge the grief and in that, we found an understanding in each other.
*
*
For the first time since arriving, I found myself actually laughing. I had brought pancake mix from Earth to the apartment in hopes to create some normalcy. I was sitting across the island of the kitchen watching Ben trying to figure out how to flip the pancake. I forgot a spatula and he insisted he could flip it with the force since he had no idea what I meant by a spatula. I am sure he had some equivalent to it but I was just too in a trance to even look for it.
I slowly walked up to him wrapping my arms around his midsection, tracing light circles, smiling into his back. As I held onto him I felt a little more whole.
Well, I did until he turned around and by accident placed his hand on my stomach. It was something he had completely avoid since the first day because he knew what it would do.
I looked down at his hand and placed mine on top for a second while a tear escaped from my eyes. As quickly as the moment passed, I took his hand and placed it by his side then retreated around the island to the chair I was in before. He stayed on the opposite side watching every move I made with a concerning glance.
When I finally looked up, I saw the pain clear as day in his eyes. He knew me better than anyone else. He knew what was going to happen next.
With caution he began to speak, "You know we can always try for another. I know it won't get rid of the grief but we could try to you know--"
"I-I I can't," the words stumbled out of my mouth.
"What do you mean you can't! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WANTED CHILDREN AND NOW YOUR CRYING IN MY KITCHEN ABOUT LOSING ONE. IF YOU WANT ONE THAT BAD I CAN FUCK YOU AGAIN AND PUT ONE IN YOU."
The tears in my eyes magically dried and it left my eyes with just a glaze of pure anger. Without a word rose from my seat and walked until I was standing in front of Ben.
"How dare you speak to me like that. And to go off of your little tangent. I don't know if I want children. Who knows Ben maybe I would have gotten an abortion because I am certainly not ready or qualified to be a mother but I DIDN'T GET A CHOICE!" I yelled at the end with my voice cracking at the end. "But it was a part of you and me," the last part I mumbled out.
"What do you mean you would have gotten an abortion? Don't I get a say?" He said in a calmer tone.
"No Ben because it is my body and I decide what happens to it. Not you. Me. Now would I have had a conversation with you? Yes I would and taken your input but at the end of the fucking day it is my body that changes. It is MY body." I said while poking his chest.
He huffed at my response but in the end nodded, "You're right it is your choice in the end. But if I am being honest. I would have loved being a parent with you." As the words left his mouth he broke down entirely into my arms. "Ophelia I am so sorry for everything," he sobbed into my embrace.
We stood there for what felt like hours and seconds all in one. But when we pulled away I saw the look in his eyes he knew exactly where this was going. All I had to do was confirm it.
I looked lovingly into his eyes and placed my hand on his cheek. He nestled into it and I took that as my okay to speak.
"Kylo I can't do this. Overtime, I will see you or look down at my stomach I think of my failure. It's not your fault. I failed us and you deserve better. You deserve someone who can give you what I can't. I'm sorry." I said as I placed a soft kiss on his cheek.
He nodded not knowing what to say. He wanted to fight. He wanted to yell at me saying it wasn't my fault but he couldn't because deep down he understood there was no way to convince me to stay.
Deep down maybe I wanted him to fight for me. To fight for us but I know I gave him no option.
He mumbled," I love you"
I took a step away and looked him deep into the eyes and said clearly, "I love you too." with that I grabbed the necklace and went back to what was left of my family."
Now with her gone Kylo fully allowed himself to break down. He couldn't blame her but that didn't make it hurt any less. He let her go because he knew if he didn't she would never forgive him.
With her now gone Kylo lost the part of him that was Ben. The part of him that had hope. He also lost his family again. Not just her but Tony and Pepper, Peter, and most important the family he could have had.
He looked down and noticed a shiny object on the ground. He reach down and picked it up.
It was her necklace. She had dropped it when she left and with that even though Ben was gone he was still there in the back buried deep down because this meant hope.
*
*
As I walked through the portal I immediately collapsed to the ground. Steve, Nat, Tony, and Pepper stood up and raced over to my side. All checking for physical injuries because of my state.
Tony asked, "What's wrong? Where does it hurt? Do you need Bruce?"
I sucked in a deep breath and wailed out, "Somebody sedate me please!"
"What is it, honey?" Pepper asked while pushing my hair out of my face and behind my ears.
Steve and Nat both placed hands on my shoulder to comfort me and Steve said, "Whatever it takes. We will help you."
I finally looked up wiping the tears from my face and as calm as I could I stated, "I need you to fix me. I can't feel like this anymore I am broken and I need you to fix me. So fucking sedate me and make me feel nothing. I want to be numb because I can't handle this anymore."
They all shared a concerning glance. At that moment they realized the girl who helps them all the time and asks for nothing in return finally needed help but the worst part of it is that they couldn't do anything to help. They couldn't fix her.
*
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a/n: well guys surprise I am back! I know I know I'm the worst for not posting in a while. I just want to thank you for your patience. It means a lot! Anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety gets it but these past months have been extremely difficult and with resurfacing trauma I was struggling. and your girl is doing a lot better. With that said I am getting back into writing and reading. If you reading this and you know I read your fic but haven't liked or commented on your recent it because I fully took a break from reading because it was a lot for me to handle but I am going to start back up for I will be catching up on all the chapters I missed! also if you have a fic and want me to check it out please send it my way!!
anyway, I love you all so much, and honestly thank you for everything!! <3
YOU ARE READING
whatever it takes
FanfictionOphelia Stark was the adoptive daughter of Tony Stark. She is apart of the Avengers and has trained her entire life to be where she is. Although nothing is known of her prior to being adopted by Stark her powers are one of another world. She , like...
