whatever it takes

Chapter 18: Baby

*Song: Unsteady by X Ambassadors*

t/w: talks of lost baby, heavy emotion, smut

a/n: sorry this took so long. a lot has been going on personally and recently I had a death in my family so I have been dealing with that. so again I am sorry but I will try and get better about posting in a timely matter. also this chapter is a bit shorter because it was going to be one very long chapter but I found it better just to break it up. anyway, I hope you enjoy it and sorry for the emotions.

It had been two months since Kylo felt her come back. Each and every day he tried to call. He tried to connect with her through the force. But she wouldn't allow it. She had cut herself off to him just enough. He could feel that she was in excruciating pain but he couldn't figure out if it was physical or mental or what is even causing it.

Nevertheless, he knew one thing, she was broken. It pained him not to be able to touch her or comfort her but it was just enough to know she was alive.

He tried to busy himself all day. Forget these mistakes. Forget that he left her when she needed him most. He wanted to be better but without her, he couldn't. All he thought about was her and what he screwed up.

He sometimes would even be so distraught he would trick himself that she was there and surrounding him but in reality, it was just him projecting an image of her in the force.

Well, that was what he usually did but this isn't what was happening at that moment.

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I knew I needed to see him. To talk to him but I am scared. Scared he would hate me for what he lost. Hate me for leaving. Just in general hate me. But what scared me most was what if he finds out and is relieved that I lost the baby. What if he never wanted kids with me in the first place.

I had entirely closed him out for that reason. I was already hating myself so much that I couldn't let him see in my mind, see what happened. But I knew it was time to face the music. I felt bad keeping something like this from Ben but I knew the second I saw him I wouldn't be able to hold it in.

Tony had been sitting on my bed for the past 30 minutes watching me clutch the necklace and unclutch. He could see the turmoil I was in because he had been seeing it for the past two months.

It pained Tony to see her like this but he also knew he could do nothing to fix it. It was her burden to hold and all he hoped was that he could help support the weight along the way. Yes, Thanos took things from him but it was her who not only nearly defeated him and lost but she lost something she didn't even know she had. But he also knew he had to push her so that she would carry on with life. Not move on because this wasn't something you got over.

"Peanut if you keep pacing I'm going to have to replace the carpet in here and I'm sending you the bill."

I shot a glare over at him and he put his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry dad your right. I'm just so scared he will reject me."

Tony looked over at me with sadness in his eyes. He got up and walked over to me. He pulled me into a hug, fully embracing me. "I know you scared but you need to do this. And trust me I have seen the way that boy looks at you. You are his entire world. This pains me to say since I told you, you weren't allowed to date until you were 60 but he is the only one I would ever except in this family."

I chuckled, "You accepted Steve."

"Accept and tolerate are two totally seperate things. Now go and talk to him. Just Talk. I am sure he will understand. He's Ben."