Ask Me For It

Chapter 16 - Trust & Insecurities

Jo's POV

How can you feel the absence of something that isn't tangible? Trust - it's a funny thing. A person who trusts no one now once trusted someone too much. We live in a culture of dishonesty, and we either trust too soon trying desperately to live... to feel, or we don't trust at all, trying to save ourselves from hurt.

I trusted him. Something inside me is telling me to trust him still. Am I a stupid, naive girl who is normalizing this madness in desperation to hold on to the few happy moments we shared while he cheats? Is he cheating? Why does it feel like he isn't? The pictures and videos, though... Fuck, it killed me to watch them. They look so real. His hands-on her body, hands I know all too well. His lips parted as her tongue entered his mouth -the dark crevices I'm all too familiar with. He said he loved me. He said I was his everything. He wouldn't do this... would he? It just feels so wrong. My heart conflicts with my mind, and I don't know what to believe.

He didn't just get engaged to Mariam! That's not possible. I don't want to believe it! I'm sure Martha is behind this. Wait! He could have gone through with it if Mariam's pregnant with his - No! Fuck, no! I refuse to believe it as much as this hurts! He hasn't given me a reason to doubt his feelings before. I'm going to give him this chance -a chance to explain himself.

Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I make my way back into my apartment from the balcony. I came out here because I felt like I couldn't breathe inside. Once Mia was convinced I wasn't going to do anything stupid out here, she gave me space and went in to call Felix. She's watching me like a hawk, though unsure of how unhinged I actually am. She hangs up her phone just as I walk in. "Felix is going over to Hero now. He'll call me once he has more info. I know this is very confusing and overwhelming, but Felix said don't lose faith in Hero. He's crazy about you. I'm pissed at the entire situation, and I'm not gonna lie... it looks bad. I want to know how he 'unintentionally' got naked with Mariam and spent an entire night with her. He's called multiple times. Do you think you want to hear him out? It's your choice, Jojo."

I sit next to Mia and curl myself into the smallest ball my body can form, cradling myself in my own arms, trying and failing to find comfort. Fix yourself up Josephine, what guy would go for you? You're not really a good catch. Guys out there can have their pick of tall sexy model types! Mom would never say these things to me anymore, but she's said them enough to me as I grew and my body changed. I thought I was stronger now and able to manage the years of verbal abuse, but no. She apologized, and we mended our relationship, but I still have a deeply rooted insecurity that resurfaces at times like these when I'm down and feel pathetic.

Mia throws her arm over me, pulling me into her side and answers my cell. Hero's voice sounds so broken, desperate, frantic even as his dissonant words echo from the speaker of my phone. "Jo, I swear it's all fake! Trust me, I know it doesn't look good, but you have to believe me. I love you and only you... you believe me, right? Jo?" He's expectant, hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I try to respond as Mia squeezes my shoulder, but nothing comes out. Instead, I'm trying to muffle my sound as fresh tears escape me, just wanting him to be here right now. "Jo, baby, please." He must have heard me sniffle because he sounds like he's barely holding it together. "Start fucken explaining yourself, Faulkner, or I swear to God I'll castrate you!" Mia's voice comes across loud and clear. She scares me when she turns into a raging pitbull growling in aggression and ready to pounce. My heart wants to tell her to take it easy on him, I love him -but my brain says fuck this, help me kill him and let's hide the body!

******

HFT's POV

If I could spit the words out of my mouth any faster, I would. Every single detail that she needs to know, I tell her. She now knows about mum and her psychotic episodes, about the threat to Brent & Mercy's unborn child, about what Jack did to Mariam, about Mariam seeming unwell, about the merger, about the cops. Fuck I even tell her I'm not sure who took the pics and videos because I was vaguely aware it was happening with all the shit that went down that day. So much happened. I told her about the Instagram models and my shirt. I told her about the necklace. I literally spewed this shit all out like verbal diarrhea.