Ask Me For It

Chapter 22 - Hope

⚠️ This chapter has mention of anxiety, depression and eating disorders ⚠️

Jo's POV

Of all the dangerous places in the world, sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head.

I've never felt this magnitude of guilt before. It's causing me to pace around my room, but I can't seem to leave the weight of it behind me.

I should have called my parents more. When was the last time I told them I loved them? Did I hug them then?

I'm the culprit. My guilt comes from my inaction. I'd been so resentful towards mom and dad that I didn't prioritize them when they tried to mend our relationship. I gave them less than half my attention. They were placed on a dusty back shelf in my mind.

I still carry the hurt they've caused. I'm still trying to come to terms with being enough. Am I enough? They had just started being supportive towards me, and I truly didn't know how to react to that.

Every time I saw dad's name on my phone, I'd take a deep breath, mentally prepared myself before responding. I'd brace myself when answering mom's calls expecting her to rip into me. To say the things she knew would tear me apart. That never happened, though. They'd turned a new leaf. I just never moved them from that dusty back shelf to the top of the mantle in the front of my mind.

Someone once told me it's a good idea to go for a walk when you're feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts. They said it helps.

I went from pacing in my room to walking outside to full-out running. Only I'm not doing it to help me.

No, I'm doing it to fuel my masochist tendencies.

They couldn't breathe. They were starved for air.

I run until my lungs burn and my thoughts can no longer keep up. Panting in a panic to suck in some sustenance but not wanting it at the same time. I allow my dizziness to blend into numbness. I want to feel something, but I also want all these feelings to go away.

I need to sort myself out.

I need to grieve them and be comfortable in my own skin. These thoughts wouldn't be so difficult if the timing of their passing didn't coincide with Hero ignoring me out of the blue.

Shouldn't I be used to being ignored by now? Mom and dad did it enough.
Why then does it hurt so much that Hero went from loving me to acting like I never existed?

There's more to this.

I feel it in the very fibre of my being, but he's not giving me an explanation. Don't I deserve one? Doesn't he trust me? Does Mariam appeal to him more? Is this about money? Why does everyone, including Brent, feel so sympathetic towards Hero when he's the one that's breaking my heart?

It seems easier to come to terms with someone's death than the end of a relationship. The finality of death stops us from feeling the one thing that even the infamous Pandora left in her box. The one thing that helps us bear our sudden and eternal misfortune -Hope.

I love him. I always will, but to pick myself up and function as a human being, I need to treat my relationship with Hero like a death.

I can't allow myself to cling to hope.

There's no room for hope. Even if I never love again... I will not turn back to him. I need to be it for me. I'm all I have left anyway.

School will be done early since I have the credits from co-op. In a few months, Brent and Mercy will be welcoming their baby. Their Solar Tech company is well on its way, and even Mia and Felix will be moving in together.