Sergeant Abigail (Abby) Laurens transfers to the BAU after an operation in Iraq goes horribly wrong and she loses the one man she's ever truly loved. Desperate to escape her guilt she throws herself into her new position but when someone comes back...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
.
abby stormed down the short hallway to Hotch's office and slammed that door behind her just as loudly. She made it very clear to every agent that even glanced her way that was she was pissed - it was especially targeted to those who had stood idly by and pretended to share files or conversations whilst obviously straining to hear every word. Because, as Abby had made abundantly clear, in her line of her work it appeared that her business, her secrets, belonged to everyone else. To her, her privacy felt like it had been reduced to a meaningless greeting - in the BAU it was as though "Hello" was synonymous with "tell me your deepest darkest secret - and if you don't, I probably already know it.".
She didn't care what words were being shared and what meaningless, empty, shallow reassurances were being poured to Reid. She knew they [most likely Garcia and JJ] were comforting him by telling him that 'Abby still cares about you', and she hoped - deeply, from the bottom of her heart - that they were not saying 'Abby loves you'.
Because, aside from the fact that the two hadn't even uttered those words to each other in private, right now she was so furious, so scared and so confused that she wasn't sure that she did.
She had more important things to think about than love.
She jumped at the sound of the door clicking open behind her; the dark haired agent didn't slam the door, he didn't say anything, his face was unreadable - he simply closed the door behind him, holding his palm against it as though he was stopping even a stray breeze from slamming it shut.
Hotch walked slowly to his desk, his eyes remained burned to the floor. Abby's gaze opposed his perfectly; her eyes followed his every movement, she didn't even blink.
"Sit down please, Laurens." Hotch said emotionlessly.
"I'd rather stand if it's all the same with you, Sir. If I did sit I wouldn't be still." Abby countered - she was so high off adrenaline that the thought of sitting made her body ache. 'I also want to be ready should I need to leave the room quickly lest you pull your gun out.' She didn't say this aloud.
"Fine." Hotch took in a sharp breath. "A-"
"Hotch." Abby interrupted him, he stared at her in disbelief with his mouth wide and his eyes matching. "I'm sorry for interrupting you, I am. But please just let me say this." She didn't bother to wait for a reply. "I am tired of being silenced. I am tired of biting my tongue and keeping my behaviour in line because I am scared of what others will think of me, or breaking rules or having someone higher up than me hating me. I am not a superior here, I hold no real credibility - I can ask Anderson to fetch me some photocopies if I really felt like being an ass or-or I can ask Garcia to look up a name on a database but that's it and believe me I know that. I am not a Sergeant anymore nor do I want to be, not in the army at least. But Doctor Reid crossed the line, I'm sorry...no I'm not." She paused and laughed dryly. "I'm not sorry, not at all. He crossed the fucking line. He had zero jurisdiction, zero. And I am not going to be silenced because I am killing myself trying to protect the feelings of people around me, not anymore, not when it hurts me!"
She stopped briefly - long enough to think but not long enough that Hotch would think she was finished. Tears welled silently in her eyes. But she wasn't sad. She was far from it. She was angry, she was so beyond angry. No - she was empowered. For the first time in her life she felt bravery, true, honest bravery. She felt like her father.
"Because I deserve something, Hotch! I deserve something! You don't think life has fucked me over enough for me to be allowed to scream and shout at it? Maybe it shouldn't have been at Reid whatever fine, there's my apology for that, take that and wrap it in wool. But I think life owes me this! I had to grieve under regulations! I wasn't allowed to hurt or cry or feel any kind of pain because if I did every man that I had worked so hard to get to respect me as a woman with authority would reduce me to nothing more than a biological inferior! I am not scared of Lawrence but I am terrified of Hall. Not as a person, he can do no more than he's already done - throw me around a little? Good for him, if it makes him the big strong man he thinks he is, he can treat me like a fucking doll. But everything he stands for, the way he takes those you love most and twists them and pulls at them and picks at them...it's inhumane, Hotch. And I am not putting myself through that heartache again. I deserve something good!"
Abby wasn't sure when the raised voice had turned to screaming or when that had turned to a desperate shout, or when Hotch had stood from his chair and moved round his desk to stand in front of her. It was clear to him from the beginning, this was never about Spencer - this was about Abby. She was finally seeing herself for who she really was and who she deserved to be.
"Abigail." Hotch said sternly. "I am sorry for putting you in that situation with the team, you're right it was not needed. But you cannot speak to another Agent like that - no matter if you believe it is justified. There are rules, life is one big rule book, and the FBI is one of the longest chapters. But promise me, Abigail look at me, you must promise me that you will never feel you cannot grieve with us, or hurt without us." He paused. "And no, you're not fired." He turned very stern. "But you are lucky I'm not, at the very least, suspending you. You cannot do that again. But you also need to talk to us, talk to me." He added softly.
Abby laughed lowly, humourlessly but thankfully.
There was a dull moment of silence between the two. Abby was unsure how to word her next sentences, knowing that what she was about to ask was to change the lives of everyone on the team; the lives of those she had grown to love. And she wasn't sure it was to be for the better.
Hotch tilted his head to the side slightly, he could sense her brain whirring.
"I can see the steam coming out of your ears, Abigail."
She smiled tightly.
"Hotch..."
. . . . . . . . . .
don't forget to vote and comment, it really does mean a lot. i hope you're enjoying 'silence'.
