Sergeant Abigail (Abby) Laurens transfers to the BAU after an operation in Iraq goes horribly wrong and she loses the one man she's ever truly loved. Desperate to escape her guilt she throws herself into her new position but when someone comes back...
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"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. indeed it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead.
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Abby wished she could say that she was looking foward to her new job, and as much as the thought of being an official FBI agent filled her with joy to say, she was beyond terrified. No matter how hard she tried, the thought of Leo's final moments would not leave her head, but more than that everytime she thought of him her chest ached and her heart flooded with guilt.
The last two weeks, as she packed up everything from her tent back in Iraq and said her goodbyes to those she had become close to, she had wondered what he would say to her. She wondered if he would approve of her joining this team or if he would have told her what she was thinking; 'You should not be here, Abby, you do not belong'. Leo always told her the truth whether it was what she wanted to hear or not. When Abby was promoted to Sergeant, Leo was the first person she spoke to, not just because they had both fallen for each other but because he was the most honest and supportive person she knew. She hoped he would be proud of her but she couldn't help but think that she was only offered this position because of her mistake, a mistake that killed four of her men.
As soon as those elevator doors opened though it was all suddenly very real. She was a part of this team, whether she felt like she belonged or not. She needed to forget the way she got here, there are people who need her now, not her past. She clipped on her badge securely and smiled to herself as she read 'SSA Abigail Laurens'.
When Agent Hotchner spoke to her a couple of days prior he told her to come in early on her first day, and he was not exaggerating. So here she was walking across the ballpen at seven am on a monday morning towards her new boss' office. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
A deep, authoratitive voice came from the other side; "Come in."
Abby opened the door and offered him a shaky smile.
"Laurens, sit down, please. Sorry to call you in so early." Agent Hotchner returned her smile, brighter than her own, however.
"That's okay, sir. Seven am is a lie in when you've spent three years in the Army. Is something wrong?".
"No. I just wanted to see how you were feeling." he said it as more of a statement rather than a question but Abby put that down to the seriousness of his nature.
"Honestly, Sir?"
"Please."
"Absolutely terrified."
"Laurens, if I did not think you were right for this position I would've told Moore without hesitation. Please be under no illusion that this job is not going to be easy. Saying this, you are now part of one of the best teams in the Bureau and rest assured you would not have walked through my office doors if I didn't believe that you were good enough."
Abby smiled, genuinely.
"Thank you, Sir."
"Hotch. Stop calling me sir please. I'm not your father." he laughed, causing Abby to go slightly red.
"Right yes s - Hotch. Guess the army really does condition you."
"Abby, Moore told me what happened two months ago. But I want to hear it from you."
Abby's smiled disappeared. She had not spoken about that day since and she was not ready to spill her heart to her new boss, not on her first day.
"Hotch, I can't."
"Why?"
There was something so genuine about the way that he spoke, Abby could tell that he was a father and maybe that's what made her relax enough to start speaking.
"Because it's my fault. The orders I gave that day killed four of my own men," she began to choke up and quickly coughed to hide it, "and two children. I killed two children, Hotch. When you spend any length of time over there you are faced with death every day, and not always your own. But when it's children and you're responsible, I mean, you know? I know the number of people we saved that day hugely outweighs the dead but -"
"Who was he?" Hotch interrupted her. He knew what happened and he knew there was nothing Abby could've done, no one could have saved them, but that's not what he wanted to hear. He wanted to know about how it had impacted the young woman infront of him.
Abby laughed slightly, of course he knew.
"Leo. He was my boyfriend. When, uh, when they checked his body," she coughed again, struggling to know how to tell this to a man she met minutes ago, "They - they found a ring. He said he didn't blame me. Sorry, this is ridiculous." she wiped her eyes and sat up straighter, a habit she picked up from the army.
"Laurens, there's one thing I want you to know before you meet the team, this job is hard."
'Did he want to emphasise that anymore?' Abby thought.
"But we do it together. When you have a bad day, because you will, don't hide it. Come to me. Please."
"I will." She meant it. For the first time in two months she really meant it.
There was a knock at the door and before Hotch even replied it swung open and Abby turned quickly to see a blonde woman with half her hair up in pigtails with massive pink bobbles, Abby chuckled to herself quietly. She liked her instantly.
"Garcia -" Hotch barely even got out before 'Garcia' began talking very quickly.
"Sorry Sir, we have a case. It's an emergency, you'll have to brief the team on the plane. There isn't even time for me to show Derek my new - oh hi I'm sorry. I'm Penelope Garcia." She noticed Abby and smiled massively. Hotch stood and began walking out.
"Hope you brought that go-bag, Laurens." Hotch was out the door just as he finished the sentence, Abby suddenly felt a heavy sensation in her chest, she couldn't tell if it was panic at the realisation that she was really about to start this job or guilt that she didn't get to thank Hotch.
Garcia hovered in the door, waiting for Abby to follow. As she realised, Abby grabbed the bag she had dropped by her chair when she walked in and hurried over to the blonde.
"I hope you're ready, sugar. This one is a tough one."
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don't forget to vote and comment, it really does mean a lot. i hope you're enjoying 'silence'.
