silence (spencer reid) book one

forty

*if you are reading this since it's been edited: THIS IS A NEW CHAPTER*

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he loves me

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Abby suddenly became very aware that she was outside, vulnerable and on her own. She had to face the music some time. But before she got up from her spot on the cold floor, she thought through all of her options. She wished she could've told Spencer she loved him for the first time properly, but it's better than telling him for the first and last time on her deathbed; which she knew if she hadn't screamed it just then, would've been the case.

She tried, she had tried so hard to try and think of another way this could end but the choice was her or Spencer and she refused to lose someone else she loved in the exact same way. The best way she could think to save Spencer from Hall and from the inevitable heartache that she was about to unleash was to make sure he never, verbally, reciprocated those feelings. But for this to work, if everything was to work; she needed Lawrence, she needed Hall but most importantly, she needed that stupid fucking notebook.

She pulled herself off the floor, wiping her hands on the back of her pants and wiped her eyes letting the cool air dry her tears. Hall was watching, she knew that. And she knew he was following everyone who was close to her and if he heard or even got wind that Spencer was important to her...he'd end up with Leo.

As she forced herself to walk back into the BAU she suddenly realised exactly what had ensued before she left and for the first time in a very long time, she felt embarrassed. Actually, properly, cheeks red, palms sweaty, embarrassed.

Thankfully, her team - her friends, were not waiting in the bullpen with their torches and pitchforks, but it didn't take a genius to figure out where they were.

For some reason she chose to knock before entering the round table room where, as she suspected, her whole team were gathered around the table and Lawrence - with an ice pack round his neck - was perched in the corner, handcuffed to the chair leg.

"Doctor Reid," She started weakly, seven pairs of eyes jumped up to stare at her, she felt them burning holes in her and caused her to sweat even more, "Can I talk to you please? Alone."

Abby wondered if he'd cried like she had or if he'd even thought about what she'd said or if he was still angry at her or -

"Yeah."

They went to the hallway that backed onto the briefing room, it was out of sight from the rest of the BAU floor.

"I'm sorry." Abby started. She wanted Spencer to not love her, not to hate her. As much as it would kill her, she was choosing his life over hers. Always.

"Okay." He replied simply. 'God this was going to be hard. And hard work too by the sounds of it.' She thought. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"When? When was I supposed to tell you, Spencer!"

"You had plenty of chances, Abby! What about when we were first called to Washington, when we bought Williams over, when we questioned him, after you were shot, or what about all the nights I lay in bed next to you?"

Abby looked down, picking her nails. "It wasn't that simple! Look how you reacted!"

He laughed incredulously. "Yeah because you hid the truth from me, not because you slept with him!"

"Really?" She pushed, "Because I saw the way you looked at me when I told you. And when I told you when it happened! Like - like you think I'm kind of slut -"

"I never said that!"

"You didn't have to! Because I've thought it too, every single day for the past 10 months! Two weeks, Spence, two weeks it took me, and Lawrence? Out of everyone, him!"

"You - you know why he did it though?"

She nodded, she couldn't bare to look at him. "That's why I didn't want to tell you. He used me. He just needed the book. When Leo died, I didn't go off base well until I transferred to the BAU. I barely even left my tent. I figured out why he slept with me pretty quick, Spence. He needed the book and I unknowingly had it, he knew I wouldn't leave my tent so...he had to wait until he get it when I wouldn't notice." She looked up at him, she was so completely and utterly mortified and she knew he could see that. He looked at her with his kind, loving eyes and Spencer remembered what Hotch said 'She's scared, Spencer.' And so was he. 

He kissed her gently, lovingly; she returned it. Savouring it, fearing it could be their last.

Spencer eventually pulled away, mostly for air but also to ask: "The book. It's not notes about his misconduct, is it?"

She shook her head, tears in her eyes. "No. I don't know what it is though, I swear." She held his hands in hers, holding them to her, just needing to feel the touch of the man she loves. "I couldn't have told you when we bought him out of prison. I was just so embarrassed. He used me. And he won't even tell me why. And every time he tells someone important to me what happens it just reminds me of the embarrassment I felt after I realised that he just used me." She ran her hands through her hair in frustration, "God this is such a mess! I - I don't know what happens now Spence and I'm scared, I'm really scared. Oh my god." He pulled her in for a hug, they held each other the tightest they ever had, scared the other would melt and disappear. He kissed the top of her head lovingly.

There wasn't complete forgiveness, the conversation wasn't completely over, they both knew that. Their relationship's foundations had flaws; it had too many secrets. But right now, they just needed each other, whilst they still had the chance.

Abby cried into his chest. She knew it was wrong, but she felt relief amongst the burning embarrassment.

Because her plan had worked. Spencer never said 'I love you.'

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