2/3

15

Tw: abuse, suicidal thoughts, rape

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I didn’t fall asleep that night. I just stayed in the corner with blood sucked clothes and dried up tears on my face. I don’t have my voice today. I strained it screaming for him to stop. The neighbors either don't hear me or just don't care. I’ll go with the second thinking about the neighborhood we live in.

I’m having one of those days...the ones where you can’t get up. You mentally and physically just can’t today. So I sat there in the corner of my room for hours...half sleep half dead at this point. My brain felt full, I was physically there but mentally I was sitting in darkness with no thoughts that would make you jump off the top of a building.

Time skip////

I’m just now noticing I didn’t go to school again today. Yeah again I haven't gone to school in 2 weeks. MY dad has been getting calls which he ignores. Neither of us care about my education. Him because well he’s him and me because I don’t see myself in the future.

My dad is currently out selling himself for money and buying pills. I have to mentally prepare myself for the beating I'm going to get later. I forced myself onto my knees and crawled to the bathroom. It took me 30 minutes to get there because of how much pain my body was in.

I turned on the water and sat under the shower head watching the red water go down the drain. I walked out the shower and to my room naked...most of my clothes are bloodied ripped or too small. At most I have 5 oversized hoodies which I got from my ex best friends. 1 pair of jeans and 2 sweats.

I wore a lime green hoodie with my pair of ripped blue jeans. I hide the hoodies from him  and let him bloody all my clothes. My room has no bed, no cover, no light, and no window. It's just a room with 4 walls. In the summer I’m hot, in the winter I’m cold.

I don’t think I explained why I don’t like being touched. I mean one obvious reason is because of the abuse, but there’s one more that I will never forget. The nightmare...memory that replays in my head on a daily basis. The day my dad let his pimp use my body. 

He showed up at our house because apparently my dad was trying to run from him again. He took money from him and he had to pay him back. My dad obviously spent the money on all his pills. His pimp looked me up and down then turned towards my dad.

My dad didn’t even fucking glance at me before nodding and walking upstairs.

Flashback

I watched every step my dad made up those stairs hoping he would either fall down and die or he would turn around and say never mind. I turned back towards the man and backed up. He eyed me but didn't move from where he was standing. I side walked towards the kitchen with my eyes still on him.

I kept repeating the word no over and over again. Tears are already building up. He kept his face straight and walked towards me. I froze...I couldn’t move. It's like my body got stuck to the ground from the panic. 

When my feet actually decided to move he was already in front of me and lifting me over his shoulders

“NO NO PLEASE D-DON’t DO THIS!”

He ignored me..

“I’M ONLY 15!!! P-PLEASE D-D-DON’T TOUCH ME”

I started kicking and clawing trying to get out of his grip. He threw me down onto the couch and started undressing me. I kicked out flailing my arms and legs trying to hit him wherever I could. He laid me down over the couch and sat on my legs, knees over my arms.

I started hyperventilating. I tried yelling, speaking anything, but my voice stopped working besides the short gasp coming out of my mouth. He didn't seem to care that I couldn't breathe; instead he yanked my pants and underwear off. I didn’t gather anything after that to catch up trying to breathe until I felt him press against my entrance.

“NO NO NO STOPPP PLEASE GET OFF!”

I was full blown sobbing..spit bubbles..snot..panicked breaths. I tried getting out of his grasp again but he slapped me. Before I could react to the slap he pushed into me all the way no mercy for my virgin body. 

“AHHHHHHHH”

I screamed so loud I’m sure the neighbors heard me but no one ever came to the door. I sat there screaming, crying and sobbing, feeling the pain of being stretched into.

“IT HURTS!!”

He ignored me and kept thrusting into me dry. Grunting every now and then. It hurts was the last thing I said before My voice stopped working again. My sobbing stopped and I just laid their numb. The pain stopped and I blacked out

I woke up on the couch confused..then I remembered everything and started sobbing. My shoulders hurt from his hard grip...everything aches. I stood up and blood was leaking from my hole along with his nasty dried up cum. I gagged but nothing came up

I limped...no crawled to the shower and sat there for hours in the cold water while the man I call my dad was out selling his body.

Flashback over

I’m 17 now....that was two years ago. That wasn’t the only time it happened he kept coming back...it became a routine. I stopped fighting him after the 4th time.

It was still rape he still didn’t have my cosent,and I was underage.  He stopped when I turned 16. My birthday is in two months...I’d rather not be in foster care and get thrown into more abusive homes. I stay here for 2 more months and I leave. 

Yes I’ll be on the streets, but it’s better than here