2/3

Jealous

Tw: nightmares

/////////////////////

Turns out my mom moved to Colorado. She filled out some papers to get full custody and we went...I still don’t know how I feel about this. I mean shouldn’t I be sulking in a corner somewhere? I mean my dad just died..do I care? No, but still. This has to be a dream? 

My terrible fucked up life can’t change in one day. I guess my fucked up life can, but I can’t. I can physically leave everything behind but mentally? The pain will never go away. I will still wake up screaming and drenched in sweat from nightmares. I will still hate being touched by men, and I will still want to die when the flashbacks become too much.

My darkness is still my darkness...my mom didn’t even give me a small flame. I’m still alone until I learn to trust her.

Time skip////

We drove for 5 hours and arrived in front of a one story house with a gravel driveway. A short brown skinned woman with blonde box braids was standing in front of the front door with a little girl next to her. I side glanced my mom...did she get another kid.

She looked at me then got out of the car. The little girl ran up to my mom and Adalene walked up to her. They hugged and smiled...Jeez they look so happy. Am I really gonna ruin this?

Now that I really think about it my mom was happy around us, but she wasn’t...happy. I'm glad she left and found her real happiness, but at the same time I kinda despise her for it. She left and found greatness. I stayed and got depressed. I will never smile like that and mean it. I will never have a family bond like that. I can’t help but feel jealous they’ve had everything while I’ve had nothing.

I feel like she forgot about me in less than 60 seconds. Which hurts but I mean she hasn’t seen me in 7 years. I’m not her sweet little bundle of joy anymore. I’m that depressed broken kid who’s got nothing to live for, and it’s so obvious. One glance at my eyes and you give sympathy. 

She finally turned her eyes towards me and motioned for me to get out of the car. So I did, I grabbed my duffel bag with barely anything in it and got out of the car. Adalene smiled at me and the little girl hid behind my mom. They turned around and walked towards the house and I awkwardly followed.

Gosh I felt so out of place...I can feel a panic attack coming but I pushed it down. I know the longer I hold it back the worst it’ll be, but if i’m going ot be staying with these people until I find the courage to kill myself I need to make a good inpression. So at least some people come to my funeral….

The house was beautiful and cozy...I felt like I was dirtying it up just by standing there. We all sat in the living room in awkward silence until my mom spoke up

“Lake this is adrena tos… she’s Adalene and I’s adopted daughter. She been with us for 3 years”

The little girl had dark brown hair and wide chocolate eyes...she was adorable.

“Okay...how old is she”

I wanted to leave it okay, but let's not be rude today. I’ve never talked this much. I don’t remember the last time I had a full blown conversation besides today. I HATE the sound of my voice.

“I 7” she giggled

I wanted to be nice and smile at her...but If I ever smiled at this family I wanted it to be real not an act. So instead I nodded and opened my arms she ran into them and hopped onto my lap. Hmm...it felt nice to hug. She stayed on my lap while Adalene and my mom talked quietly to each other.

I noticed adrena fell asleep by how her breathing slowed and evened out. I got up and asked where her bedroom was

“Down the hall and to your left your room is on the right next to the bathroom” Adalene said

I nodded at her and took Adrena to her room. I laid her down and walked out. My room had plain cream white walls, a full bed against the wall with black plaid sheets, a black dresser, and a tv mounted on the wall in front of the bed. It’s gonna take some time to get used to this…