Drowning in You

-7-

Today is my 25th birthday!
I've been to work, I've taken a nap, and thanks to me being a mummy, I am sat at home with a beer so I thought I would update my story.
Enjoy. Please comment, like, share, blah blah. Xx

The office was cleared, completely empty, and silent.
Alan Jean always had a way with words, and can Whoop an ass or two when he needs to.
Slowly, I walked out and grabbed my handbag.

"I'll get everything packed up and sent to yours, okay?" Alan informs me; all the presents, balloons, cakes... It was all bought for me so I guess that is the right thing to do.
I just find myself nodding.

"Who's Dean?" Nick finally talks.
It's been about 10 minutes since he spoke.
Really? Jealous? Why?
"Harper's ex," Alan answers, "Violet's dad. He has to pick her up from school if Harper's in labour."
"Oh. Ok." Nick sounds placated. Slightly.

I roll my eyes at Nick and walk towards the lift.
"I need to go home. Are you taking me Mr 'I have to control everything' or am I getting a taxi?"

I'm pissed off that he's getting jealous when, 1. He has no reason to be jealous. I am a single woman, and 2. He has nothing to be jealous of. If I were to ever give Dean another shot, I may as well be ripping my heart out and stamping on it repeatedly with a spiked stiletto.
I have more respect for myself than to get back into a relationship with the man who can't keep it in his trousers.
I'd rather grow old with 20 cats than give Dean another shot.

"Don't you dare get in a taxi. I'm driving you."

"Nicholas, what's going on?" Alan asks his son, confused but concerned.
"You're going to be a grandfather, that's what."

Alan's response is almost comical.
Bugged out eyes, jaw on the floor and complete and utter shock.
"Harper? Is this- is- Nick? You? Is this?" He can't even finish his sentence.

Instead of giving him a verbal answer, I find myself tilting my head to the side and giving him a little smile.

"I expect to hear the full explanation later, but right now- Nick, get her home." Alan is back in control and ordering us around.
"On it Dad, don't worry."

~*~

"Mary, mother of... Uuuuummmmfffffggghhhh!!" The low moan involuntarily leaves my lips. I've been contracting for 3 hours now, and my labour is progressing well. But we're still stuck at home.

'There's no point coming in until your contractions are 6 minutes apart...' Blah blah blah the midwife on the phone was as useful as a chocolate tea pot!

Nick has been amazing throughout but I still don't know how I feel about him being here.

"You can go if you wa-."
"Don't finish that sentence Harper," Nick cuts me off, "I'm not going anywhere. Deal with it."
I shut up and concentrate on rocking on my yoga ball, rotating my hips as I take a break in between contractions.

My phone rings, breaking the awkward silence, so I eagerly answer the phone.
"Hello."
"Hey, how are you doing?" It's Dean.
"I'm alright. Handling it."
"Of course you are. Do you need me to come over? I can help if you need me to."
"No, I'm alright... I'm not on my own."
Dean doesn't reply, it's as though he knows who's here without me saying it.

"Dean?" I ask, "Are you there?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm here. He's there, isn't he?" He doesn't sound too happy about it. Though I'm not sure why.
"Yeah..."
I hear him sigh down the line, "why? Why is he there? I thought... Well, I thought..."
"Thought what?"

I look up and Nick is looking at me strangely. He's frowning and furrowing his eyebrows.

"I thought we could, you know?"
"Dean," I sigh, "we both know that's not going to happen."

This is so awkward! I've got my ex on the phone, expecting some kind of relationship while the father of my unborn twins is watching and listening to the one sided conversation.

"But you know I still love you. I will support you with the twins, I'll take them on as my own. You know I would, don't you?" Dean sounds desperate, begging for a chance.

"Dean, I know you would. But we didn't work. You broke my heart. I'm not ready for any kind of relationship. With anyone.
When someone you trust so implicitly sleeps with someone else, you don't forget that betrayal. You can understand that, right? I care about you, you're my best friend, but I don't love you anymore. And anyway, I don't think..." I look up at Nick who is now showing anger, "I don't think he would be happy someone else taking on that responsibility. They're not your children.
I'm so thankful that you've been supporting me, and giving me the emotional backing I have needed throughout this pregnancy, but you're Violet's father, not the twins. They have a father... I'm not sure what's going on in that department yet, but I'm not putting that responsibility on your shoulders. It's not your job to take them on as well, as amazing as it is that you would, it's not your job."
I don't think I could've said it any nicer than I just did, but it was still hard- I don't want to lose Dean in my life, but I'm not going to force that his shoulders.

"I know," Dean sighs, "I'm still here though, okay? I'm not going to disappear off. I still love you, and I want you to be happy."
"Thank you Dean, it means a lot that you've said that. I have to go, I'm due another contraction any minute." My heart hurts, just putting him in this position, but I know I shouldn't force that baggage on his shoulders.

"Okay, I'm here if you need me okay? Just remember that. And remember, there is a reason for each pain. You'll meet your babies soon enough." I smile hearing Dean say that. He always knew the right thing to say.

"Ok, bye."

I sigh and place my head in my hands, shaking it. That was so difficult. I don't want to hurt Dean but I couldn't do that to him, or to us... I would never ever put my heart in his hands again. He broke it so badly that I'm still feeling the effects five years on.
I've forgiven Dean, but I can't get over the betrayal or the pain that comes with being cheated on.
It shakes your confidence, your trust and your ability to let another man in.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to let another man in.

A hand eases mine from my face, and squeezes it gently, "I understand why you pushed me away now. Your trust, your confidence was completely shattered by a man you loved, and the idea of putting your faith in someone else is abhorrent." It's like Nick just read my thoughts, he can understand why I can't handle any sort of emotional connection with a man. It would literally shatter me if I had my heart broken again.

I just nod rather than responding. I have nothing left to say... And a contraction is starting to build. My hands dart out and grip his biceps, as a sharp gasp leaves my lips.
It feels like I'm being squeezed from the inside, it's hot and burning my abdomen, filling me with excruciating pain.

Staring into Nick's eyes, I see compassion, support and pride in his beautiful green orbs. And I hold onto it; I take it, trying to force it inside me. I need his strength right now because I'm feeling so weak.