Drowning in You

-11-

My daughter's 6th birthday party today. I am bloody exhausted!! Can hardly keep my eyes open.
Tired mummy. Very very tired mummy.

That night broke my heart.
I knew I'd ruined the best chance at a relationship I could've had. Nick was patient, caring, thoughtful and selfless, and I threw it all away because of fear. Because one man broke me, I transferred that fear onto him.
I didn't know what to do... When did I ever though?

Nick deserved better. All I ever did was push him away. Even when I needed him the most, I fought those feelings and ran the second things got serious.
I was a coward. Nick was the strong one, he kept fighting, trying to prove himself and I just looked the other way.
Well, now I've lost him completely.

He didn't come round again, not to see Willow or Dexter, not to help with his children or see Violet. He was gone.
He was gone and I was broken.
And it was all my fault.

Yes I was drowning in my self-pity. I knew it was pathetic but I couldn't help it.

Dean stepped up and supported me how he could, but I knew he could only do so much. He wasn't the twins' father and I didn't want him acting as such.
He did what he could without overstepping the invisible boundaries I'd put in place.

One night, two weeks after Nick walked out, Dean made an unwanted and discouraged move on me.
I was washing up after the kids had gone to bed, Dean was here as he'd brought Violet back home and was stood there, chatting to me while I scrubbed the dishes.

"So, what are you going to do? Go back to work for Mr Jean? Or look elsewhere? I don't want you going back there and feeling uncomfortable working in such close quarters with HIM." His distaste was palatable, and it angered me.
Nick wasn't at fault here, I was!

I sighed, "I don't know yet Dean, I've not given much thought to it. I've still got another four months to go. I'll think about it once I've had a chance to move on."

And then he uttered the words I sure as hell wasn't expecting, and didn't want to hear... "Maybe you just need a rebound? Someone to forget him with..."

My heart stopped. The idea of forgetting Nick was sickening. I couldn't forget him even if I tried. And then the thought of being with another man... Even worse. Then I realised what Dean meant, and my skin crawled.

"No." I said clearly, sternly.
"But it might help," Dean's hand came to rest on my shoulder, "I could help take the pain away. Make you feel good again." I felt his lips press against the back of my neck.

In that moment I silently cursed that I put my hair up in a bun earlier, "Dean, no."
I pulled away and grabbed the tea towel, drying off my hands, "it's not going to happen. I don't see you in that way. So please remember that. Nothing will ever happen between us again." I wanted to say it nicely but I didn't have the patience for him tonight. I thought Dean would've got the message by now.

He sighed, gave up and left.

I have alienated the two men in my life. Can't I do anything right?

~*~

"So, we were wondering if you wanted to join us? It's right near you, and it sounds like a lot of fun! The children would have so much fun." My mum, Sandra had called me to invite me, along with the family to an indoor water theme park.

Nobody had met the twins yet, and it would be good to get out. Get away from all the drama.

The twins were now ten weeks old, Violet had just celebrated her seventh birthday; things were still awkward with Dean, and I hadn't heard a word from Nick... Not that I'd tried to contact him. I was too stubborn to do that.
I still felt like I didn't have the strength to give anyone my love, heart, faith or trust. I was, and knew I was in denial about that though.
If I kept telling myself, one day I'd believe it.

"Yeah, sounds awesome!" I replied, feigning enthusiasm, "just what I need."

It was set up for next week. Myself and the kids, my two brothers, their wives and children and my parents would all be meeting up and going to Whirlpool, the country's best indoor water theme park.
Just what I needed.