everything i didn't say | jeong yunho

hana's letter.

dear yunho

oh god i started cringing as soon as i wrote "dear yunho". but i figured that this was the only way i get to express everything i've been keeping inside all these while.

by the time you're reading this, i'm probably no longer around anymore.

i'd like to apologise for the last time. for everything. for giving up on you three years ago just because i couldn't handle the distance, for not being able to express my emotions and show affection properly while we were together, for not telling you what was really happening in my life, and for keeping things from you. it was selfish, and i wish i realised sooner.

most importantly, i'm sorry for what you have to go through right now. you were already hurt because of me once when i broke up with you when i was in tokyo, and now you're hurt again because i'm no longer here.

that was one of the major reasons why i didn't want you to fall in love with me again when we met in the hospital. that was why i kept denying my feelings for you.

falling for someone is not something we can control. we shouldn't get hurt for something that's beyond our control. and yet for some reason you keep getting hurt.

i'm sorry it had to be me. but i'd like to thank you for literally everything you've done for me. thank you for still wanting to be with me even when you know that i'm going to leave sooner or later.

thank you for never giving up on me. thank you for paying for my hospital bills and my therapy. thank you for keeping me company without fail almost every day. thank you for even wanting to talk to me again even though i broke your heart 3 years ago.

at first i really did think that you were doing all this and caring for me out of pity. i kept telling myself that you only felt bad because you found out i have stage 3 brain tumor and i didn't really have anyone else.

but then overtime i could see that you were genuinely caring for me. i was always happy to have you by my side. and i hated to admit that i was longing for you, and i was missing what we used to have, what we used to be.

that day when you bought the magnetic bracelet and told me how you truly felt about me in the hospital, i almost didn't believe it was really happening to me. then we started spending time together doing gross couple stuff that i always wanted to do with you.

i always loved little things about you. how you would get distracted studying and randomly wrote cheesy messages on post-it notes for me, how you would encourage my obsession with the moon, how you remembered little details about me.

everything about you just makes me fall in love with you more every single day. yeah you can be pretty annoying but i don't mind having to put up with that. i think it's because i'm hopelessly in love with you but idk hahahaha

i'd be lying if i said that throughout the 3 years i have completely forgotten about you. i still thought about you from time to time.

and i've had flings here and there to distract myself but it doesn't really work out for me.

as lame as it sounds, but i actually haven't had a boyfriend after you. mostly because i was too occupied with school and work and taking care of my parents. but yes, you're my first and last lover. how can i ever forget you?

i'm trying not to cry when i'm writing this so that i wouldn't get tear stains on the paper because then it'll ruin the quality of it and it'll only increase the vulnerability. but honestly, i'm writing this because i can feel it. i can feel my time coming to an end. it was bound to happen anyway.

i couldn't thank you enough. you make some stupid decisions sometimes but i'm still very thankful for you and everything you do.

speaking of stupid decisions, now that i'm gone, please DO NOT quit basketball. you are as passionate about basketball as i am about writing. passion is not something you should waste and throw away.

you've been good at basketball even since high school. i always knew you would grow up to be a national athlete. you're so tall and active.

even though i am not physically here, just remember that i'm always here cheering for you and supporting you. and you have friends and your family who will support you too! use that as a strength. as a motivation. i want you to be successful and happy, can you do that for me?

i think i'm going to cry for real now because of what i'm about to say. honestly? i knew since years ago that you were the one for me. we get along so well, and we had such a strong bond. like that magnetic bracelet, we would always come back to each other no matter what.

and also, yes i'm a true believer of fate. i do believe that us being in the same hospital next to each other was fate more than a mere coincidence.

i always dreamt about getting married with you, starting a family together, shopping for furniture together and eventually moving in together and all that stuff. it hurts me that we can't experience that.

but you still have a long way to go. i want you to experience happiness too. pure bliss. it's what you deserve. you're a truly incredible and bubbly guy and any lady would be lucky to have you.

i want you to fall in love too. i want you to get married and start a family. i want it to be with me, you have no idea. but unfortunately that's not going to happen. but that's okay. i want you to be successful, and live a comfortable life.

you're strong and i believe in you. i believe you're capable of doing wonders. if you ever feel like giving up, just read this letter again as a reminder that you're loved. not just by me, but by people around you too. you're very lucky to have such warm & supportive family, and have such a great friend like mingi. i know mingi is capable of taking good care of you. i believe in him, and i believe in you too. always.

i wish you all the best for whatever you plan to do. i'll always be supporting you.

maybe we're not destined to be together for a long time in this life, but maybe in another life we'll get to spend the rest of our lives together.

i love you, and i always will. in fact i don't think i ever stopped loving you. i hope you can see it through this letter. it has everything i didn't say before.

you got this, i believe in you, jeong yunho ♡

love,
your girlfriend, shontaru hanabi.

end.