The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop

The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop: Chapter One

   "Vulnerability, acceptance, acceptance, vulnerability. In through the nose and out through the mouth." Sally repeated this to herself as she sat on the bathroom floor, doubled over in pain, focusing hard on each breath in and each breath out. It was three am and she had been sitting under the sink for what seemed like an eternity.

The rest of the house was silent apart from the rapid drumbeat of her heart and the slow drip, drip, drip from the tap above her. In, one, two, three. Out, one, two, three, but nothing changed, she had left it too late.

Desperately, she began circling a closed fist over her stomach, mimicking the hand on a clock. It was clockwise, right? I am sure Dad said it was clockwise. She tried it the other way, her insides reeled. Nope, definitely clockwise. Do not do it the other way round.

Sally rubbed her stomach for what seemed like hours, her hand orbiting her belly button around and around as the pain and the rhythmic movements sent her into a trance. But no matter how hard she tried, the pain refused to stop, giving her no choice but to intervene. Placing two fingers into her mouth, she slowly pushed down inside her throat. As her fingertips grazed the cartilage shrouding her oesophagus, her whole-body lurched forward, turning her guts upside down.

Her neck flexed up and down, making her gulp and gasp as her eyes brimmed with tears. A sharp sting of acid followed, unravelling her throat and rearranging her organs. Relief washed over her, but but before succumbing  into a long awaited sleep, she stood up and dragged herself back to bed. Her covers were cold but soft and as she closed her eyes, she welcomed the four hours of sleep before her new life would begin. 

                                                                            **************

Sally opened her eyes and struggled to turn off her alarm. Her stomach was still tight from the episode in the night, contorted in an angry fist just below her rib cage. Unfortunately, this was something she had grown used to and she tried weakly to breathe through it once again. In, one, two, three. Out, one, two, three. Her stomach disentangled a little and she prayed it would not coil itself up again. Today she needed to be as fit as possible because today was the day she was moving to London.

Yawning, she sat up and stared at the maze of suitcases and shoppers that lay haphazardly on the floor. A lamp stuck precariously out of an Aldi bag next to a Sainsbury's shopper full of clothes, books, and posters of her favourite films. She couldn't help thinking how strange it was to see all her possessions in one big heap. It made her things seem like pointless junk. Just a load of crap she had collected over the years and become stupidly attached to - so much so that she was willing to carry it across the country.

Slowly, she stood up and began to make her way around the books and DVDs that were piled around her. Before today, Sally had fantasied about moving out many times but instead of taking the plunge she had escaped to the far-flung corners of her imagination. Over the past few years, her paperbacks and black and white films had helped maintain her necessary distractions, keeping her removed from her dark and lonely surroundings. Now that she was finally leaving, her mind still retreated to the bygone stories she knew best, making sure reality stayed at arm's length and protected her from the pain of jumping into the unknown.
Once Sally had zigzagged to her bedroom door she looked at the mess surrounding her and squirmed. She had no idea how she was going to drag all that up to London but there was no going back now, so made her way downstairs to the kitchen.

"Mum, what are you doing?" Asked Sally as she opened the fridge door. Her mum was still in her dressing gown and rubbing a gritty paste into the kitchen floor.

"Grouting," her mum replied. "I was up till god knows what time last night and I am just finishing it off now, I am exhausted."