The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop

The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop, Chapter Nine:

The first time Maya took Sally out for brunch, she could not believe what she had been missing.

"When you said Brunch, I thought we were going for bacon and eggs." said Sally as she gazed over a menu jam-packed with Avocados, pancakes and poached eggs.

Maya shook her head and laughed, "Come on Sally, we deserve more than that. Have you ever had eggs benedict?"

"No, I never used to do things like this back home," admitted Sally, careful to leave out that the first thing she used to eat on a Sunday, was a cheesy chip wrap from the night before."

"What?" said Maya, "You have never had Brunch?"

"Nope," Sally shook her head, "My friends weren't really morning people."

"What about in Berlin?" Maya asked, "What's a German breakfast like?" Sally bit her lip, remembering Him and His family. They were the perfect suburban household: good looking, well presented, respectable. A complete contrast to the sordid things that were being done behind closed doors.

"Erm," Sally began as anger boiled inside her. They had been fully aware of what was going on, they had just chosen not to care or accepted it for what it was. Either way they never batted an eyelid. One of the few memories Sally had from that time was of one afternoon when she and Him were lying in bed. His room was a tip. The floor was strewn with dirty clothes, His desk was covered in empty bottles and a bowl decorated with dustings of white powder lay haphazardly on the floor. Unexpectedly, His mum knocked on the door and opened it before they could muster up the energy to answer. She had brought them a slice of cake she had baked that morning. As she walked in, she did a quick scan of the room, placed the cake next to His bed and left. Sally was so embarrassed that she had seen them in that state and then heartbroken that His mum did not seem to care.

When she shared her shame and astonishment with Him, it was greeted with a baffling nonchalance. That kind of behaviour was normal for Him and after a very short period of time, it was normal for her too. She slotted into His family easily, making sure to mould herself into the person she thought they wanted her to be. Sally hated herself for that. She should have just left Him and His stupid family, but she didn't, and now all she had to show from that time was these painful, mismatched memories.

Maya waved her hand in front of Sally's face, "Hello, earth to Sally, is anybody in there?"

"Sorry," said Sally.

"So? German breakfast, what's it like?"

"It's not as good as this," said Sally, taking a bite of her eggs benedict, relishing in the difference between the life she had now and the life she had before. Her hangover-free mornings promised so much more than the dead afternoons of her past. They ignited a spark that gleamed on the curve of her iris, almost overshadowing the allure of nighttime.

Things were looking up for her and on good days that was all she needed but when the bad days came swinging by, her fragile praise became worthless. Doubt ignited cravings that begged her to go back to her old ways, outraged by how quickly she had somersaulted to the other side of the spectrum. Her cravings for the hazy midnight world she had once lived in could never be satisfied by a poached egg or avocado. She was more awake than ever, yes, but this alertness only made the blurred, shadowy memories more inviting.

The drugs were only missed when life felt particularly shitty but the fear of obtaining them always outweighed her need, so instead, she made do with the lock-ins she shared with Clyde.

"Where do you go clubbing?" asked Sally, one night, after a few beers.

"What? In London," replied Clyde.

"Yeah."

"I only really go clubbing when I am in Marbella, there was this one club right..."

"But where do you go, if you want to get totally shit faced," Sally interrupted, "Like if you just want to get out of your head."

"Are you missing The Berghain? I knew you were a crazy raver from the moment I saw you."

Sally sighed, "It's not called The Berghain, it's Berghain, period." Biting her lip, she tried to be grateful for what she had but she could not stop herself. "So? Do they have places like that in London?"

"Like The Berghain? Not that I know of."

"But you and Maya, you never go clubbing or anything like that?" Asked Sally, her voice getting higher with every word.