The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop

The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop: Chapter Eighteen

On her way to her first counselling session, Sally walked along the pavement as though all the nerve endings in her body had been cut off. Maya's pep talks had gone in one ear and out the other and instinctively she numbed herself of any potential pain. It was not until she was face to face with the door when reality sunk in. Her toes scrunched in her shoes, her stomach tightened and her shoulders hunched towards her ears. Every fibre in her body was telling her to turn around and run but instead of fleeing she dug her thumbnail into the side of her hand and knocked on the door.

A woman opened it. "Hello, Sally Jefferson?"

"Yes, that's me ."

"Brilliant, come right through."

"So, I understand you have been referred to here by a friend?" said the woman as she settled herself opposite Sally.

"Yeah, I was round there the other day and they said it would be a good idea if I came, I think I freaked them out a bit."

"Freaked them out?"

"Yeah."

"Freaked them out, how?"

Sally took a deep breath and started from the beginning, repeating much of what she had told Maya and Toni but this time no tears made it to the surface. It was as though she had used them all up. Irritation spread through her fingertips. Why was this happening? She had planned to let everything out, lay it all out on the table just like she had done with Maya but for some reason, all she could do was relay story after story like a broken record.

After the session, Sally's voice box felt dry and empty. She had talked solidly for one hour but the pain was still there, it had not worked, what was wrong with her? Impulsively, Sally took the next bus to Maya's.

"How did it go?" Maya asked as she opened the door.

"Yeah it was fine," Sally replied. "She was nice and I told her everything."

"You looked exhausted."

"I am," said Sally as she took off her coat. "I know this is weird but do you think I could have a bath?"

Maya laughed. "Of course, it's all yours."

As Sally sat in the bath and waited for the water to fill up around her, Maya came in with two cans of Coca-Cola.

"You're not getting in with me are you?" asked Sally, half-joking, half genuinely concerned.

"No, I don't think I will fit."

"Good," Sighed Sally, sinking her shoulders under the warm water.

"So how was it?" Asked Maya.

"Uhh, I don't know, it was... I told her everything but it was weird."

"Just give it time, you will get there in the end."

Sally looked at Maya and smiled, "You know what Maya, you are a really good friend, you know that."

"Yeah, I know," Maya laughed. "You're not so bad yourself."

From then on Sally slowly began to remend the bridges she had destroyed. Once Katja and Marta knew Sally and Maya were friends again they conveniently forgot their anger. Clyde took a bit more persuading but after a few days of sheepish looks and a new plan to go bowling instead of drinking they returned to their old closeness. It was wonderful. All the laughter, all the joy, all the security. It was what Sally had always wanted and this time she was determined not to let it go.

Unfortunately, This was easier said than done. As her counselling sessions progressed, Sally became more and more frustrated. Her life was getting better, yes but there was still a huge void between her and her feelings. For weeks she chastised herself and her counsellor until one day she flipped.

"I hate the idea of loving yourself. It's so stupid. It's the kind of namby-pamby talk that stopped me from coming to therapy in the first place."