Marriage Of Convenience

Chapter 29: Fixing What We've Broken

For the past week Jae and I have been at odds with each other. Yes we have been cordial to each other and putting on a loving in front of the girls, but we have yet to discuss the big ass elephant that was tearing us apart.

It's not that Jae haven't been making the effort to talk to me, it's just that the pain of me losing our child and letting down my husband at the time was eating me alive. The pain and shame of what I was feeling was stopping me from having a meaningful conversation with my husband.

Deep down inside me, I knew that I couldn't keep allowing the hatred I felt toward myself and grief of losing my baby to continue to fester. If I did, I was at risk of pushing my husband so far away that it would take a miracle to get us back on track to where we once were before all this happened.

Easing both Raleigh and Hannah out of my arms I slipped out of bed then walked into the bathroom. I turned on the lights and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I groaned inwardly after looking at my haggard appearance. My eyes were puffy as hell due to all the excessive crying I've been during these past few days and my hair looked a total mess.

Turning on the water I wet a face towel and began to wash my face and clear away the crude that had formed around the corners of my eyes. Next, I brushed my teeth and combed my hair into a neat ponytail. When I was satisfied with my appearance I walked out of the bathroom and stood at the foot of the bed gazing down at my two sleeping princesses.

I turned off the bedside lamp after taking note of the time then walked out of the room. My hand began to tremble as I reached for the door to Jae and mine bedroom. "You can do this, you have to do this McKenna." I chant to myself while pushing the door open.

Darkness and loneliness greeted me as I stepped over the threshold. Normally our room would be so filled with warmth and love that you could feel it before you even open the door. "Jae?" I called out in a soft whisper after closing the door behind me. All I was met with was silence.

I flipped the light switch on, but the room was still flooded with darkness. My only source of light was that of the moon which was coming in through the half open curtains. I was thankful that it was enough to allow me a tiny bit of light to be able to see where I was going.

"Jae, are you asleep?" Yet again I was met with total silence in a room that felt devoid of any kind of loving emotions. I walked over to the side of the bed that he normally sleeps on and searched the bed for his presence. He was turned facing toward where I slept when we did share a bed together.

"I'm so sorry for all the pain and grief that I've caused you to endure these past few months alone." I whispered to his sleeping form. A torrential rainfall of tears flowed from my eyes as I thought about the dozens of times this incredible man could have given up on me but chose to stay the course because of how much he loved me.

"Jae, I know now that you would never ever cheat on me. I don't know what would ever make me think that you would in the first place. I promise to make things right between the two of us if you'll give me the chance." I uttered then began to turn around.

"None of this was any of your fault McKenna. Our baby death was not your doing, me not being honest with you about why I've been wearing a condom whenever we make love wasn't your fault." Jae says after grabbing a hold of my right hand and pulling me down onto the bed beside him. "I'm the one who needs to make things right between the two of us starting right now."

Suddenly the room was flooded with the light that was coming from a lamp that sat on the nightstand on my side of the bed. I watched as the man who has treated my daughter as if she was his very own flesh in blood from the very first day that he met her, the same man who has taken it upon himself to raise another man daughter from birth as his own kneel in front of me in nothing but a pair of tan boxers.

"McKenna, I would love to have a little mini me with you. As a matter of fact I want a house full of kids that looks like a mixture of you and I, running around the house causing havoc right along with our two beautiful daughters, but I cannot not allow my selfish needs to put my wife's life in danger. I will not be the one to rip the most precious thing that my family already has away for my selfish desire to have a child of my own with you."

"Jae I'm not going anywhere!"

"I know you're not because I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that you're going to be with us as long as God will allow us to have you. If that means that I have to live without fathering a child of my own with you then so be it. I would much rather have you still here as our two princess mother and my loving wife than to have kids running around the house with my blood coursing through their veins any day."

"Who says that you can't have both, Jae?"

"Dr. Luker." He replies.

"So, are you willing to sit here and give up on our dream of having a son or daughter together all because of what this one half-baked doctor says?" I asked somewhat amazed at how Jae was giving up on his chance to become a father.

"McKenna, I don't see it as me giving up on anything especially not when I value your life more than having my needs being met. Besides, I already have two beautiful daughters that feels like they are my flesh in blood anyway."

"But Jae, you can have so much more if you are willing to ..."

"You, Raleigh and Hannah is all I'll ever need to make me feel whole, sweetheart." Jae says then placed his lips against mine halting any rebuttal I was about to give to his statement. "Let's lay down and rest a bit, honey before our two munchkins pile into the room." He tells after landing a kiss on me that had me questioning where in the heck I was at.

I lay there in the comfort of Jae's strong arm nestled against his bare chest listening to his steady beating heart with a huge smile on my face until a peaceful slumber began to call my name.

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