Bloody Hands || E. Wiggin

020

Status: Edited

I gave him some time before going to visit him, half afraid of what I would find when I did. But leaving him alone for too long seemed worse than staying away, so I mustered up the courage to make the trek to his room. He was laying on his bed, eyes focused on the ceiling when I found him.

"Go away," he said as the door slid shut behind me. I tried not wince at his coldness.

I stood quiet by the door, watching him lay there in a pit of his own self-loathing. He was right there in front of me, but somehow it felt as though we were galaxies away from one another. Yet I made no move to close the distance.

"They graduated Carn Carby today," I said at last, breaking the tomb-like silence.

Ender didn't so much as blink. "Who's the new commander of Rabbit then?" He asked dully.

All I wanted was for his eyes to meet mine, but still he did not turn to me. My heart thumped loudly in my ears and I forced my gaze to stay trained on his lifeless figure. It hurt to see him so gone.

"Me," I uttered at last.

And finally he was looking at me, jolting alert. "What?"

He'd snapped up into a seated position, fisting the blanket beneath him with white knuckles, attention fully on me. I almost laughed at the stark change in response.

"They graduated almost all the commanders actually, and every toon leader in Dragon has been promoted to take their places."

"Of course," muttered Ender, shaking his head. "They have to take away my whole damn army, don't they!" He shouted. Then more quietly, "They have to take away you."

I felt it then more than I ever had before. The feeling of my whole life spiraling out of control. It was like a gaping hole had ripped open in my chest, sucking everything I cared about down into oblivion.

"They won't win, Ender," I said firmly, fighting to fill my words with enough courage for the both of us.

His head was cast downward, a shadow falling over his face. "They already have."

"No..." But he wouldn't let me finish.

"I don't care about the game anymore," Ender exploded, holding my gaze almost pleadingly. "I won't play."

"Ender..." I tried softly, but it was almost as though he couldn't hear me.

He pressed his palms to his eyes. "I hurt Bonzo really bad today." I struggled to find words for a moment, but he persisted. "I just wanted to make sure he would never hurt me again."

"He won't," I said quickly. Almost too quickly. "They're sending him home."

Ender shook his head as if to reply, but just then there was a knock at the door. I was barely able to step aside in time as Colonel Graff stepped into the room. His eyes met mine briefly as he passed. If there was any surprise upon seeing me, he hid it well. "Ender," he said, addressing the boy.

Ender got to his feet, taking the sheet of paper that Graff held out to him. He didn't stick around to talk. Just as quickly as he'd appeared, he was gone.

I swallowed thickly, stomach coiling like snakes. I'd seen that paper once before that day. "Graduated?"

There was a pause as Ender's eyes continued to skim the page. "Yeah."

"Where?"

"Command School."

My eyes widened, flicking up to catch his. "Command?" I almost choked. "But you only go to Command when you're 18!"

"Yeah."

I was slipping again, just when I thought I'd found my footing.

Ender's voice was barely a whisper as he continued. "I don't want to go," he said, voice breaking.

"Oh, Ender..."

We'd stood apart from one another, almost afraid to get close as the world changed like tides around us. But he threw all caution to the wind then, stepping frantically to me, lips on mine, hands on my waist and tugging softly in my hair. We kissed like there was no tomorrow, and for us, there was a good chance there wouldn't be.

"I'll miss you," I whispered, forehead resting gently on his when we'd pulled away.

His hands tightened around my waist, pulling me closer. "I'll miss you too."

I clutched his shirt between us, afraid of what would happen if I let go. "I'll make them let me visit," I told him and there was the faintest hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

Ender once again captured my lips with his. Tears leaked from lidded eyes, running down my face and getting caught in the kiss, leaving salt on our tongues almost as a bitter warning. His graduation slip lay abandoned on the floor, an omen to a time neither of us felt ready for.