Forbidden

Chapter 93: Bad Stuff

Derek laid with his head back on the pillow. He had been avoiding Meredith. It wasn't because he didn't love her. The love that he had for her was extreme. It was never ending. It was all consuming. And that was what made it so hard for him. It killed him to see her trying to kill herself. He knew that forcing her to quit would do nothing. She would either resent him or she would refuse. Derek took in a breath as he laid there. He had all the time in the world to think.

Derek still wasn't okay. He didn't go to sleep and wake up fine. The sting of what he had done was still preeminent in his head. He still couldn't seem to drop it. No one would ever know what he ad done, no one would ever be able to pass judgement. But other's judgement didn't matter. It was his own. He was the one that was most displeased with himself. Just as he closed his eyes, he heard his cellphone ring. He frowned when he looked at the caller.

"Hello?" He said softly, waiting for his mother to answer. He didn't want to talk to her. He was afraid to talk to her.

"Derek..." Linda started softly. Derek sounded tired. She picked up on that right away. She decided to let it pass for the moment. "How are you, my son that never calls his one and only mother?" Linda asked with a chuckle as she waited for an answer.

"I'm good, Mom." Derek lied into the phone. He was grateful that she couldn't see his face. If she could see his face, she would know that he quite the opposite of his little falsification.

"You don't sound fine, Derek Michael. In fact, you sound a bit blue. What is going on?" She asked frankly. She was worried about him. She never saw him, and her only lifeline was his voice coming out of her phone.

"Nothing. I'm just tired mom. I have a lot going on it school. And I have been going to hospitals. I need to figure out where I am going to do my internship. It's just been a every long week and I clearly need a break." He told her as he shook his head. He wondered if his mom could telepathically see the blood on his hands and the shame on his face. He had to keep reminding himself that he did it for her. For Meredith.

"What do you mean?" Linda asked with a gasp. She never realized what he was doing. It never hit her that he wasn't planning on returning home. He was staying there. She had always assumed that Italy was a short term stint and he would be back. Even after almost four years, she was sure he would return to her. "What do you mean, Derek? Looking at hospitals... You aren't coming back?" She asked as she cried loudly. Derek could hear his mother choking up as she began to cry softly.

"Oh, mom... Don't. Please don't cry." Derek begged as he sat up in the bed and held his hand to his forehead. "Please... This is- Please do not cry." He told her as he closed his eyes. He didn't have to be there to see her face to know exactly what she was looking like. She had lost one son to drugs, and now she was losing her remaining to Italy.

"Please? How can I not cry? this was supposed to be a short stint. You were going there to get the money for medical school. Just a couple of years. Now you have stayed for medical school. For Christ's sake, I haven't seen my son in almost three years! And now you tell me that this is it. You tell me that you aren't coming back. What is so goddamn important that you can just dump your family off?" She shouted loudly. She never yelled, but at the moment, she was yelling. She was begging. She was pleading. She needed her son to come home and she had no idea how to get that across to him.

"I'm- Mom! I am not dumping my family off. Why do you have to make this harder than it already is? Why do you have to do this, mom? This is something I want. Instead of being happy for me, you are chastising me for doing what I want. Italy makes me happy." Derek said loudly. He never raised his voice to his mother, but at the moment, he felt as if he needed to.

"If Italy makes you happy, then explain to me why you sound so sad... I have no idea what is going on with you. I don't know if you are happy. I don't know if you have met someone. I don't know if you are eating enough... I know nothing about you. You have been gone so long. And now you tell me that you aren't coming back. Do you know how much that breaks my heart?" She asked as she began to sob.