Your Hold On Me

Chapter seven

Jade's pov

I'm really delusional. I really believe this man likes me, at least I thought he liked me enough to not just fuck me but have a relationship. Why the fuck would anyone be into me like that. 

When I got home I took a shower and got ready for the day. 

I always get distracted by the idea of someone, instead of who they are. I'm a chubby 5'6 black girl, I really think this white man I met like a month ago really likes me. I looked a mess when I came home. An ugly and delusional mess.

I bet he was laughing at himself when he went home.

"Hahahaha fucking dumbass bitch, I got her wrapped around my fucking finger, I can fuck her and leave."

What the hell is my problem. 

Candy walked into my room

"Who you talking too?"

"My bad I'm just thinking out loud."

"Where were you all night?"

"With some dumbass boy."

"Mmm….Fuck him." 

"What!" I said perplexed, starting to smile.

"Just go ahead, as long as he ain't got not std. You know how much dick I lost out on…. mmh…. It's a shame."

"Yeah maybe if I had your body I would have that mind set."

"Gurl!" She said loudly, " you know how much big bitches work at the strip clubs you would be a skinny bitch compared to them…. And they be getting more clients than most other girls…. To be honest."

I pressed my lips together, I felt like she was trying to give me some confidence but I didn't like to compare my situation to a stripper, because I don't just want sex, I want a relationship.

"I kinda want more than just sex."

"Is he white?"

"Yeah"

"Is he rich"

"I don't think so"

"Well I got a go in today before classes start… we made a mess last night"

"Okay… bye" I said as she walked out of my room.

The conversation didn't really help that much. 

_

I walked into the school campus, excited to see his face again, and to hear his voice,  his voice was smooth, it could get stern at times too. It captivated me, attracted me to him.

I had two classes that day, and then I went to work. It was slow but I was waiting for a dream of him to walk in and take a seat, I would have the dumbest grin on my face, I had one on already just by thinking of it. If he didn't come in, he would have seen me walk out, or at the bus stop, we could have another night together, and it would mean more. 

I left work around 11PM, I was sad because the bus came on time, meaning there was no opportunity for him to see me.

My life went back lonely for the next month. I didn't see him on campus, at my job, or even passing by outside. He's ignoring me, I told myself. He doesn't want me anymore. I became really self conscious. Maybe it was because I was fat, I had an ugly face and him getting so close before made him realize that. Did my breath stink? I probably smelled bad.

 I locked the door of my room to look at myself in the mirror. I took of my clothes to see my body. It helped me realize the truth, I forgot that, to me, I was not desirable. Men don't like me, they like what I can do for them. And if they do like me, they wouldn't want to be with me, looked at my stomach, it was flatter because I hadn't eaten anything all day, but it was still there, I looked at my tights, they were big, and stuck together, they rub together as I walk. My arms weren't small like Candys. I really started to hate how I looked, the more I looked the more I found things I hate about myself.