chocolate milkshakes | rodrick heffley

chapter fourteen: i love you

i wake up engulfed in rodrick's arms and turn around to face him. his hair is sticking up in every direction and a little bit of drool is hanging out of his mouth.

"good morning." i shake him slightly and smile as he opens his eyes groggily.

he smiles back at me. "g'morning tate."

i rest my hand on his cheek and stroke it gently. "what do you wanna do today?"

"i was thinking we just lay in bed all day..." he rubs my arm and curls up closer to me. "...like this."

"as tempting as that sounds, i think we should get out of here before your parents come down and find us."

"damn you're right." he sighs.

i kiss him roughly, smiling as i pull away. "i always am!"

we get up, searching for clothes and fixing our appearances. i grab a blunt from last night and light it. as i inhale, rodrick glares at me. oh fuc-

"you can't do that in here!" he whisper screams at me. "do you want to die?

i blow it into a pillow and smile at him apologetically. "heh, sorry."

he tosses a skirt that i must have left at his house and one of his band tees at me. "get dressed and we can drive somewhere cool."

i put the clothes on quickly and use his eyeliner stick to fix my makeup. once im satisfied with my appearance, i meet rodrick out by the van.

"damn, you look hot." he tells me from the driver's seat as i climb in.

"thank you." i beam at him. "now, where are we going?"

"i wanted to show you something." he tells me casually. i feel my heart rate pick up. he wants to show me something?

i nod my head, attempting to stay cool and he starts up the car. fidgeting with my hands, i wonder what he could possibly be showing me. knowing rodrick, definitely somewhere worthwhile. he seems to know all the cool spots around here, i mean, considering i met him under the bridge where all the potheads hang out.

we dont say anything as he drives. we just let the radio play some overplayed gorillaz song as the heat blasts through the air vents.

i start to think more about the first time i met rodrick. how my world came crashing down around me and suddenly he was the only person to ever matter. how i didn't even introduce him to my friends or family. how he became the center of my entire universe within the span of a week. i guess that's just the effect he has on people. he knows how to capture your attention, that's for sure.

something i'll never understand about myself though, is how easily i can love people and then hurt them in the worst way possible immediately after. what i've put rodrick through is something i shouldn't even be forgiven for, yet he's found it in his heart to forgive me. do i genuinely deserve that?

my heart rate sputters out of control and i can feel my vision going tunneled. now is not the fucking time, tate, grab ahold of yourself. i take a deep breath and blow a steady stream of air out in front of me.

rodrick seems to sense my anxiety and reaches over to grab my hand. he rubs my thumb soothingly and i smile.

"thank you. i just get in my head sometimes."

"i know, tate." he squeezes my hand. he bites his lip, as if to hold back from saying something else and my anxiety spikes up again.

god, what am i doing here? why am i letting him hurt himself by being with me? heaven knows how fucking unreliable and unstable i am. why does he stick around?

he loves me, that much i know. but sometimes even the deepest feelings of love can't excuse putting yourself at risk. i need to get better for him. i need to behave myself and actually stick to recovery. recovery that isn't dependant on another person. im going to get better for him.

"we're here." he announces.

i look up from my lap, wondering where he could have brought me. a wave of confusion rushes over me when i see we're parked in the driveway of my house.

"what-"

"i was going to take you to the lake. i was going to take you to the lake and tell you that i want to be with you forever." he lets out, glancing nervously at me from the side.

"but you didn't?" i bite my lip. what is he trying to tell me?

"but i didn't." he confirms. "i brought you home. b-because i could feel the anxiety and self doubt practically radiating off of you."

"listen, im fine-"

"you're not, tate." he turns to face me. only now can i see the gut wrenching look of concern on his face. "you're falling apart and you need to get help. help that i can't give you. help that eric couldn't ever give you. you need to recover and heal, and i can't be here for that."

oh.

oh, he's leaving me.

he's leaving me and i deserve it.

my eyes betray me and well up with tears. i pull my hand from where it was resting on his and reach for the door.

"tate." he calls softly. i look up at him, knowing my face is probably beet red. "i love you, okay? i love you more than anything. but you need to do this on your own. and i promise i want to be the first person you call when you decide you're ready."

my stomach drops into my ass. this is really happening. he's really leaving me. after i thought he would be the last person in the whole world to do that. my vision begins to tunnel again and my mouth goes dry. "o-okay." i mumble.

i hear him sigh. "you're gonna be amazing. just, just don't think this is your fault, okay? can you do that?"

i nod my head weakly.

"i hope you get better. and i hope you do it for yourself."

for myself.

only minutes ago, i was promising that i would get better for him. how could i be so fucking stupid about this? he knows im dependant on him. he knows im a wreck and there's nothing he can do about it. the only thing he can do is leave me to recover on my own.

he's putting all his trust in me to do what's right. to do what's healthy for myself.

"thank you. f-for everything." i muster.

"of course, tate. you deserve this and so much more."

i reach for the door again, only this time i feel steadier, less dizzy.

"love you, roddy."

"love you too, tate."

_____________________________________________

A/N

HOLY SHIT SORRY THAT WAS LITERALLY RHE WORST THJNG I BAVE EVER HAD TO WRITE. some of u guys have been telling me how much u hate the main character and honestly i was projecting onto her a lot so i took it really personally. i took it so personally that i took a while to reflect onto myself and realize how fucking horrible i have gotten with my mental health! i have borderline and that was definitely projected omto tate quite a lot so she kind of seemed like the antagonist the whole time when in reality you were just seeing her actions without the thought process behind yhem because i didnt even understand that. but i think this is the best way i could have ended this story. like, its the only right way. tates fucked in the head LMAO. maybe there will be an epilogue who knows..... thank you again for reading this story, its been a big part of my life for almost a year and im really thankful for how many reads it got, i was not expecting that!! love u guys !!!!