Tranquilize Me (A Mötley Crüe Story)

5.

Tommy Lee

After visitation, all I really want to do is lay down. I need some quiet, but who knew that a fucking mental hospital isn't quiet? Between the machines, the nurses, doctors, noises from the common room, and the occasional violent screaming, WHO FUCKING SLEEPS IN THIS PLACE?!

I mean sure there's "quiet time" but it's not actually quiet.

I trot into my room, seeing Nikki kicking at the wall. See what I mean? Never quiet! Although, I'm curious why my roommate is kicking violently at a wall. I slink over to him and grab him, and he looks at me like he's pissed, but his eyes are full of tears."What's wrong?" I ask him, unsure what triggered this.

"Fuck off. Like you would care." Nikki growls, wrenching away from me.

I'm starting to see the scary side of my roommate. The side everyone warned me about in the common room. Apparently, he can get violent. He gets locked in the padded rooms a lot. "Nikki, like it or not, I care." I affirm, not about to be dissuaded.

"Go away. Go away." Nikki repeats.

"What's wrong?" I ask yet again.

"How was your visit with your parents?" Nikki asks suddenly, obviously trying to deflect.

"Good. They're really sad I'm not home with them, but they're happy that I'm 'getting the help I need.' Even though I haven't even had group therapy yet."

Nikki seems disinterested, so I decide to change the subject. "So...when are your parents coming?" I ask, twisting my hair.

In seconds, I'm thrown to the ground. Nikki violently pins me. His elbows press into my ribs so hard I think I hear them cracking beneath the pressure. His long bangs, usually covering his eyes, are now hanging right above my forehead. I force myself to look into his eyes. Anger. Pure anger. That's the only way I can describe the swirling colors, clenched jaw, angry eyebrows, furrowed together.

"We. Don't. Talk. About. Them." Nikki growls.

"Why?" I ask in a strained voice, wincing at the pain in my ribs.

"BECAUSE!" Nikki roars.

"Okay!" I gasp, desperate to get the heavier man off me.

"Talk about them again and I'll crack your head on this floor like a scrambled egg." Nikki warns, pressing even harder into me.

"Nikki-FUCK-Get...get off me!" I exclaim, starting to suffocate.

"Learned your lesson?!" He crows.

"YES!" I finally just scream, using all my strength to shove him off of me.

Nikki jumps off of me, his eyes falling under the shadow of his bangs. I don't do anything but desperately gasp for air. The stabbing pain in my ribs brings me back to earth and I clutch my side. Nikki watches me for a couple seconds, before kneeling down beside me. I feel his hands on my chest, and even though he practically threatened to kill me, his warm hand feels comforting.

"Shit. I didn't mean to actually hurt you." Nikki mumbles.

"It's okay..." I reluctantly say, not wanting to admit that he actually scared me, because generally he seems pretty nice.

-----1 week later------

"Fuck." I drop to my knees again, throwing up once more.

This last week has been...strange. After the incident with Nikkis parents, I didn't pressure him to open up any more about it, but I do notice that he cries himself to sleep every night. Wonder if that could be related.

I'm still feeding him my food. I've had to eat breakfast every day. And some dinners too. This leads to an uptick in purging, and it's taken a huge toll.

"Tommy?" Nikki asks from outside the bathroom.

"No-No, Don't come in!" I gasp, my throat screaming for relief.

There's two reasons that I don't want Nikki to come in. One, I know he'll figure out what I'm actually doing if he sees the toothbrush, orange juice, milk, and salt water on the floor beside me. And two, because I'm currently shirtless and I absolutely hate the way my body looks. That's why I haven't wanted to fuck. It looks worse than it did a week ago. God.

"T- I'm coming in." Nikki persists.

The door creaks open, but I don't look up from my position. I just keep staring at the toilet, feeling nauseous again. I hear Sixx gasp. His hand touches my back. I jerk away, but I don't have the strength to hold myself up, so I'm sent to the ground. My body is freezing, causing me to shiver violently as Nikki puts a warm hand on my back again.

"You're anorexic. You're making yourself throw up..." Nikki says softly.

I hate that fucking word. Anorexic. It sounds like a label. Sounds like something that'll stick to me like a black ooze. "Y-yeah." I whimper, feeling the heaviness and daze of sleep starting to drag me away.

"I thought you were here for depression and a suicide attempt?" Nikki asks.

"I-I am. It's compounded. I have no idea which came first." I mumble, pointing to the healing mark of the bullet.

"Oh my god...I've been letting you give me your food. I thought nothing was wrong. I've been...helping you...do this to yourself!!!" Nikki's voice gets louder.

"Nikki what's the big deal? This is a mental hospital, aren't we all a little fucked up?" I ask, too weak to resist his tight embrace.

"Tommy...this is...you're still doing these behaviors, yet this is a place of healing."

"Well what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You still have outbursts. You still cry. You still have depression."

"Tommy...I know. I'm not good at handling that shit. I'm not. I just want you to live. Live healthily."

"Why should it matter to you?"

"Because...because I care T. I don't do that often. I spent my entire life shutting out all my feelings. But I have a raging gay crush on you and I care about you."

I start to cry after he says that. Everything people have told me about him isn't true. People bash him. They said that he's never getting out of here. They said that he's incapable of giving a shit. Yet, here he is, holding me tightly in his arms, telling me he cares. I think I scared him with letting him see me like this.

"God...why did you do this?" Nikki asks me.

"I don't want to talk about it." I say quickly.

"Okay, well I'm gonna sneak you some food. Meanwhileeee," Nikki grunts, and I feel the dizzying sensation of being picked up.
"You have about five minutes before a nurse comes back in. When does your group therapy start?"

"It starts at like...3." I finally answer as Nikki slides me onto my bed, tucking a blanket up over me.

"Okay you can nap for a bit then." He says, slipping on his hoodie and leaving.

And that's what I do, letting my mind drift into a sweet dream about the boy who scraped me off the bathroom floor.