The song for this chapter is She - Harry Styles.
*TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter mentions drugs, themes of violence, and death. If any of these themes trigger you then please don't read on & stay safe.*
Harry
I was having a constant battle with a devil and an angel.
I had a devil on one shoulder, urging me to continue to do everything I needed to do from manipulation, deception to lying.
I had an angel on the other shoulder, urging me to stop all of the sinful things that the devil was urging me to partake in and to just come out and be truthful.
Neither one was any closer to winning the other in this battle that was taking part in my brain; I was in a constant state of trying to be Switzerland and just not acknowledge either of them but in reality, where would that have ended me?
I couldn't begin to process why I was so conflicted with my emotions and my rationality when it came down to her. I wasn't one to ever admit that I was in denial about anything, never mind surrounding a woman, but she had me weak in my mind and I was questioning every single thing about myself. I was so sure of myself when it came to being able to know myself and who I was as a person, yet less than a few weeks around that woman, and I couldn't tell you what I stand for and believe in.
I knew something wasn't right when I felt a pang of jealousy at her interaction with Zayn when we first entered his apartment; jealousy about how instantly the two of them clicked and connected. It was as if they had been friends forever and there was no need for formal introductions or the typical awkward stage that everyone experiences when they first encounter someone new. There was flirtatious energy that was filling the air that I became distinctively aware of whenever they spoke or looked at each other. I could feel the rage and jealously disgustingly course through every fibre of my being as I observed the two of them.
I loathed how I was reacting.
My head couldn't keep up with my automatic bodily reactions to the two of them and how they behaved; my head knew that this wasn't the man that I am but it couldn't stop my body from detesting the sight that was unfolding in front of my eyes. I was so certain that I wasn't a jealous man up until that very moment. I had full belief that no woman would ever make me buckle at the knees and fall surrender to their ways.
Yet here I was.
Completely buckled under Celeste Andrea Delgado.
How did I, Harry Styles, allow a seductress like her to make me question everything that I knew about myself?
How did she manage to make me consider fucking off my biggest chance of making something of myself just so she didn't get hurt in the process?
I couldn't even begin to try and fathom the answers to my neverending questions surrounding that woman, so I didn't even give it a futile attempt.
I couldn't have been more conflicted when I received the call from Ally telling me that we needed to meet; a part of me wanted to tell her to fuck off and that I was busy but the rational part of me knew that I still was in charge of the mission that I'd signed up to. In reality, I didn't want to leave Zayn and Celeste alone in the hotel room coked off their heads with absolutely nothing there to stop them from giving in to their evident desires. I felt the little green monster crawl up from the deepest parts of my body as I knew that I had to leave; if I didn't meet Ally then she would have ratted me out to him and his wrath was something that I never wanted to encounter again, especially given how much was at stake and on my shoulders with all of this deranged plan. I wanted nothing more than to bring one of the boys along with me to meet Ally, but they were little bitches when it came to her and her mannerisms.
