a freak with thought

why

It's hard I don't know where to start so I didn't have a good day today and it just escalated accidentally so my mother went to the park and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go and my leg hurt and then I just felt alone or like I did something wrong even though I had two lovely people talking to me it just hurt and nomatter how much I wanted to talk about it my mind said I was a burden or atleast they wouldn't understand then I went on and in all honesty grandma when it comes to my brother manages to hurt me somehow yelling at he or defending him and I guess when I looked at my mother and saw her I joked/commented and looked at her and saw that look that tone it always hurts and when I went to bed just couldn't take it anymore I hurt myself and I don't know how but the only thing I could think about was I wanted this person I don't know this person last time I asked for my mother knowing it wouldn't be the same and I feel in this instance it is the same nomatter what you do the person won't be there the voices that are always supposed to be there can't help I wanna be free somehow someway not from this house but from this body this idea these people but I guess I broke my promise didn't I remember "I won't intilionally hurt myself/kill" Why? Just why I don't wanna sleep but I have to try