falling for her crush || billie eilish

four.

Yesterday Billie and I stayed at that beach for many, many hours. We talked about our interests and watched the sun go down, just like I used to do with dad and Nora. I missed that. It felt good to do it again, with a new, fun and interesting person.

"Tell me about your family", I asked her. She smiled and told me about how her mom, dad and brother are the reason she's anywhere today. How they saved her life when she felt like it wasn't worth saving and how they believed in her and never stopped.

"What about your family?" That's when I didn't know what to say anymore. The whole night we had long conversations, non-stop. I knew exactly what I had to say. But not after she asked me that question. That one was hard. Really hard.

"I'm not ready to tell you yet", I eventually said. It's true. I wasn't ready yet. It's not that I don't trust her, I just don't trust myself with it. I'm scared that I'll tell her too much and it'll make her pity me. I don't want that. The only person who knows exactly what happened to me and my family, is Nora. And I'd like to keep it that way. For now.

I was scared she'd react with a 'Why?' or 'I won't tell anyone', but she simply said: 'That's okay. Tell me whenever you're ready.' Another reason why I like her. She doesn't push anything. I appreciate that.

"What do you do? You know, next to serving people their tacos." I giggled at the way she said that and the way she showed interest in me.

"I uh.. I go to college. I'm studying event managment." She looked at me with sparkled eyes. "I want to organize festivals or concerts later. Anything that has to do with music, really."

"Sounds great. I love music, as you might already had guessed." I nodded, a small smile formed on my face. "I might let you have me at one of your festivals or concerts for free sometime when the time has come."

"For free, huh? Now aren't I lucky?" She laughed and playfully pushed me.

"Shut up."

Music is my escape for everything. Whether I feel sad, happy, annoyed or anything in between, I put on music that matches my mood at that moment. I see music as a way of expressing myself. It keeps me company when I'm alone and because of it, I'm able to relate to others. Life has been hard so far. Incredibly hard. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for pretty much my whole life. It got worse when my dad died and it's still not gone today. It did get better, though. I talked to someone about it and it made me feel better. But she was never able to help me the way music did. I consider music as a way to escape of that pain and sorrow I felt every single day. They say that music improves your health and well-being. They aren't wrong.

I'm laying in bed with music in my ears. Tomorrow I have to go to college again. Nora and I go to the same one. College has been much more fun than High School. I finally get to focus on something I'm actually interested in. Not chemistry or physics which I couldn't care less about. Like I already said, I absolutely love music. I always have, which is the reason I've been wanting to do something with music my entire life. I didn't really know what, but when I read about 'event managment' it immediately made me fall in love. I'm pretty good at organizing and scheduling so it seemed perfect for me.

My dad was a big fan of the band 'Take That'. I'd come home from school and he'd be dancing in the living room to his favorite song of them: 'Shine'. He knew every single word and when he came to my bed every night before I went to sleep he'd sing these specific lyrics of the song:
Stop
Being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come 'round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good
And you might want to smile, smile, smile
Don't you let your demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all
You can have it all
He'd look at me with a proud face. Even though he knew I wasn't a big fan of myself, he still made sure I knew that he loved me so much.
'If you can't find the right way to love yourself, I'll do it for you', he once told me.

My dad was a beautiful man. He had these beautiful eyes, a color I had never seen before. Brown with a bit of green in the middle. He was tall, he always had messy hair, the color dark blonde and he had a small beard. He was a good-looking man, my dad. And I felt lucky I got to be in his presence every day.

After taking Jimmy for a walk and eating some fries at a fast food restaurant I put on my pyjamas and get into bed. I put in my Airpods, open Spotify and click on shuffle. A song of 'Take That' starts playing that reminds me of him, that good-looking man, ever since he died:
Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
But any minute all the pain will stop
Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions

'Cause I need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience

I slowly drift off to sleep with Jimmy in my arms. I've always had a problem with falling asleep, but with Jim's warm body against me it's becoming less hard every day. He licks my face softly and places his head on my chest. "Goodnight, my baby", I whisper, and not long after that, everything turns black.

-

fun story: i myself am gonna study 'event managment' in september this year :))
i'm a huge huge hugeee fan of music and i look up to a lot of artists so i would love to organize festivals or concerts where they can be a part of hihi
who knows i'll run into billie sometime 😏👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

the song i used in this chapter is called
'patience' by take that