falling for her crush || billie eilish

twenty.

- 4 weeks later -

The love I have for Nora is terrifying. I just look at her and it terrifies me what I would do for her. How I would go to the end of the world for her just to make her happy. How I would give up everything for her. How I would break my own heart to make sure hers stays whole.

But at the same time, it terrifies me how much I would do for Billie, too. This thing that's been going on between us started five weeks ago, and I want us to be more. I do. I've been wanting it since day one. And I know she wants it, too. But god, it's a lot. Jeez, I literally have a love-hate relationship with the idea of being together with Billie. What I love about it, is... well, everything. Imagining me and Billie together makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. The way she looks at me, the way her soft lips feel against mine, the way she rests her hand on my cheek, rubbing it with her thumb. It makes me the happiest. But, so does Nora. And will she be happy about this? No. That's what I hate about it. Hurting Nora.

Today it's Nora's birthday. I didn't really know what to get her. I'm always the worst at figuring out what to get someone for their birthday. But, I came up with something. Eventually. I bought her a journal and put some of my favorite memories I have with her in there. I tried to be creative, which I am not at all, but... I made the best out of it.

I'm gonna throw her a party tonight. I wanted to do it at my apartment, but it's way too small. So, she said it's okay if we do it at her place. Just like she did for me, I wanted everything to be a surprise. But she already appreciates the fact that I'm throwing her a party in the first place. 'I love you, Meg. Always', she said while taking me into her arms. Every time we hug, I feel safe. God, I love her so much.

"Alright, everyone, come sit in a circle", I say. The party had just started and everyone is here. I invited some of our friends from school and, well, the person Nora was most excited to see: Billie. Everyone sits down, Nora on the big chair that I decorated. "Time for the gifts."

Everyone gives her their gifts, the biggest smile formed on her face the whole time. I love seeing her so happy. It's what I live for, really. After a while it's finally my turn to give her my gift. She opens it, tears in her eyes as she goes through the journal. She smiles and gets up, pulling me in for a big hug. "Thank you, Meg."

"Happy birthday, Nor."

We pull away again and look at each other. "I love you most", she whispers, holding my hand.

"I love you most, too."

-

Loud music is playing while some people are dancing on the dance floor and some people are sitting on the couch, having conversations. Billie's sitting next to me and I've noticed she's been a bit touchy this whole evening. I mean, I don't mind, but I don't want her to do that around Nora and she knows it.

"So, Billie, how come I haven't seen you in a while?", Nora asks, blushing. "I missed you."

Billie smiles shortly and clears her throat. "Um, yeah, I uh... I've been kinda busy with... stuff." She quickly looks at me, smirking. I shake my head, letting her know I'm not amused. At all. "Anyways", she continues, rolling her eyes. "How have you been?"

"I've been fine. You?"

"Just fine." She smiles, placing her hand on my thigh and squeezing it softly.

"Okay, that's enough", I say. I get up and look at Billie. "Billie, can I talk to you for a second, please?"

She furrows her eyebrows, looking a bit shocked. "Uh, yeah?" I grab her hand and take her with me, smiling at Nora before leaving the room. I close the door of the hallway behind me and turn my head to Billie. "What's up?"

"What the fuck, Billie?!"

"What?"

"You know what. Jesus christ, I've told you plenty of times, not in front of Nora."

"This isn't fucking fair, Megan! It's not fair that I'm not allowed to show my feelings for you around others, I–"

"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm gonna tell her soon, I promise."

"When is 'soon', Meg? Because you also said you'd tell her 'soon' four fucking weeks ago." She sighs, rubbing her hands over her face. "God, it's been five whole weeks since we've told each other how we feel. Yes, I understood that the first two weeks you needed time, alright? You needed time to process everything and I got that. But five weeks?" She looks down, biting her bottom lip. "It's not fair." She looks at me again, walking closer to me. "I wanna be with you, Megan. I wanna be able to kiss you and hold you when she's around, I... I thought you wanted that, too."

"I do. More than anything. I just... I need to find the right time to tell Nora."

"Tell me what?", I hear an all too familiar voice behind me say. Billie and I turn around, my heart dropping when I see my best friend standing in the doorframe. "That you guys like each other?" She looks at me, her eyebrows furrowed in anger. "What the fuck, Megan?"

"Nora, please–" But before I could say anything more, she has already left the hallway.

I'm about to run after her, but Billie stops me, grabbing me by my wrist. "Megan."

"No. I don't–I don't want to talk to you right now." I release myself from her grip, running out of the hallway. "Nora, wait!" I grab her hand, making her turn around.

"How long, Megan?"

"What?"

"How long?"

"Nora, I really don't think–"

"How long?!"

I look down as I feel tears coming up. "Five weeks."

"Five weeks?! Jesus fucking christ." She looks at me, angry. "I can't believe you right now."

"Nora–"

"Tell everybody to leave. The party's over." A tear falls down her face as she turns around and walks away.

"Megan..." Billie tries to make eye contact with me, but I keep looking down, my eyes teary.

"Just don't, Billie."

"Meg, please talk to me."

"I don't..." I look at her, biting my bottom lip. "I don't feel like talking right now, okay? You can just better go." I turn around and tell everybody to leave. Telling Billie she had to go hurt, but it was the best for now. It's best if I just don't see her for a while. After everyone had left I look around me, breathing in the oh so familiar and safe scent of Nora's house, before leaving as well.

I was thinking about going to Nora one more time before leaving, trying to explain everything to her, but... the thing is, there is nothing to explain. I like Billie, she likes me, end of story. What else am I supposed to say?

-

sorry for the sudden huge time skip
i just didn't really know what to write anymore and i wanted some drama sooo yeah heheh

there's probably gonna be some more time skips cus i don't really have a lot of inspiration anymore lol i hope you don't mind x