falling for her crush || billie eilish

nineteen.

Never feel guilty for protecting your own heart.

People always tell me I say sorry too much and too fast. I mean, yes, I do say sorry a lot. But I only do that because I don't know if things I did or said hurt people or not. What if I say something to someone, and that hurts them, but I didn't mean it that way? The only way they'll know I didn't mean it, is when I tell them I'm sorry, if that makes sense.

My mind is one big mess. Always has been. And I'm aware of how it can affect others. I get annoyed really easily and I take that out on someone else. I know that isn't fair, but that's just how my brain works. If something doesn't go the way I want it, I start finding people around me annoying, though they didn't do anything. But, the person I find the most annoying, is me. It's annoying how I care so much about some people, yet they're always the ones I push away when I need someone. It's annoying how I get angry so easily, take that out on others and then, not a minute later, I regret what I said and apologize. It's annoying that I am the way I am.

I slowly open my eyes, bright light shining through the windows. My heart flutters when I see two ocean eyes staring into mine. "Are you watching me sleep?"

Billie shrugs her shoulders, smiling at me. "Maybe."

I giggle. "Creep."

"Shut up." She teasingly slaps me on the arm, a small giggle escaping her mouth. "It's not my fault you look so cute sleeping."

"I don't look cute sleeping. I look like a fucking caveman."

She laughs, making me all warm inside. "You don't look like a caveman, Megan. I think you're beautiful."

I look at her, my eyes traveling down to her lips for a second. "And I think your smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." She looks down, smiling softly. "There it is." I can see her face turn red as she hides it with her hands. She lays down, giggling. "Hey, don't hide that pretty face of yours." I grab her hands, taking it away from her face. I smile at her as she looks at me, her cute dimples showing. I rest my hand on her cheek, rubbing it softly and placing a soft kiss on her lips.

"We should do this more often."

"Yeah?"

She nods. "I like waking up next to you."

"Alright. Let's do it more often, then." Her face lights up as I say these words. And again, I get lost into these beautiful eyes of hers. "Okay. I have to go. Nora asked me to hang out with her today."

"Nooo, don't go. Can't you stay a little longer?" She looks at me with puppy eyes, almost impossible to resist.

"I'm sorry, Bil. I wish I could stay, I just... Nora is gonna kill me if I don't show up in time."

She giggles and gets out of bed. "Alright. I'll let you go." She hands out her hand and I take it. She pulls me closer to her, her hands resting on my waist. "Text me when you get there?"

"I will."

She stares at me before kissing my forehead, then my nose and then my lips. "I like you."

Every time she says these words my stomach fills with butterflies. I rub my nose against hers softly, making her giggle. "I like you, too."

-

Billie came totally unexpected. What if Nora had decided to never introduce me to her? God, things would've been so much easier that way. But also so much darker. It's like life was so much darker before Billie, and the only bit of light, was Nora. Now that Billie's also here it's been so much brighter, you know?

"Okay, so..." Nora sits down on the bed next to me, putting the movie on pause. "I've been thinking."

I look at her, my eyebrows furrowed. "Okay?"

"I've uh... I've been thinking about asking Billie to, you know... go on a date with me sometime."

"Oh..."

"What do you think?", she asks with a big smile on her face.

"I don't know, Nor... I–"

"What do you mean you don't know? God, Meg, what's been going on with you lately? Every time I bring up Billie you start acting all weird and stuff." She grabs the remote control and turns off the tv. "Did something happen between the two of you?" Her eyes turn big, her mouth opening. "Oh my god, did you guys have a fight?"

"What? No. We just..." I look down, taking a deep breath. "Nora... I–"

"Dinner's ready!", Nora's mom shouts from downstairs.

"Okay! We're coming!" She turns her face to me again, a small smile appearing on her face. "Well, whatever it is... I'm sure you guys will be fine, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Okay, cool. Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"If that's okay."

"Sure. You can stay." She gets up and pulls me with her out of the bed. "We're eating asparagus, by the way."

"Disgusting", I gag.

She laughs as she throws an arm around my neck. "I knew you would like it. Don't worry, I'll get you something else."

"You don't have to–"

"Nah ah, shhh." She places a finger on my mouth, making me shut up. "I want to."

I smile, giving her a small kiss on her cheek. "I love you."

"I love you more."

-

I think about how I'm supposed to tell Nora all this daily. What the fuck should I say? Should I apologize for feeling this way? 'I'm sorry for having feelings for Billie. I never wanted to if that meant losing you.' I mean that. If having feelings for Billie meant losing Nora, I never would've chosen to get them. But see, I can't apologize for my feelings, because they're not my fault. It's not my fault I fell for Billie. It's not her fault she fell for me, either. It's no one's fault, actually. And yet, I feel so incredibly guilty about it.

"If someone really loves you, they won't just leave", my brother had said the other day when we were laying in my bed. He looked at me, his eyes a bit teary. "Real love can't be stolen."

I sighed, looking down while a tear fell down my cheek. "I just..." I bit my lip, closing my eyes. "What if she will? What if she will leave? I can't... I can't lose her. There's just something about her that I'm afraid of losing. Because... I know I won't find it in anyone else."

"Hey, come here." He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. "You'll figure something out."

"How do you know?"

"Do you like Billie, Meg?" I looked at him, nodding my head slowly. "Then isn't that what matters? I know how much you love Nora, but you shouldn't feel guilty for following your heart." He kissed my forehead, rubbing my shoulder. "You'll be okay. I promise."

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