falling for her crush || billie eilish

twelve.

I hope you understand you need your own love more than they do.

The first quote in the journal Billie gave me. She all wrote them herself, which made it even more special. She put so much effort in this, it flutters my heart. Reading the first quote over and over again makes me realize how much she already knows about me. It usually scares me when someone knows so much about my life, but with her it feels good. Safe. It feels like I've known her forever. And I want to keep getting to her, finding out new things about her, until the end.

"Billie and I were so close last night", Nora said when we were laying in bed yesterday. "I swear I would've kissed her if I could."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Um, because there were people around? And, I want our first kiss to be special, you know?"

I nodded. "Right."

"If there's ever gonna be one..." She looked down, a sad frown formed on her face.

"Nora..."

"It's fine." She smiled at me, obviously a fake one. "Anyways, since when did you guys become so close?"

"Yeah, no, we're not."

"Yes, you are."

"Oh? Is miss Carter jealous?"

"No!" She slapped me on my arm, making me giggle. "I'm not. It's just... there's something about the way she looks at you that I just can't... I don't know. Whatever."

"What do you mean 'the way she looks at me'?"

"Never mind. Forget what I said."

It confused me the whole night, those words. 'There's something about the way she looks at you'. What the hell does that mean? I kept playing those words in my head, over and over again, until I fell asleep.

I always compare myself to others. I'm constantly worried about what someone else has that I don't. I think that's the biggest struggle when it comes to loving yourself. You will never fully be able to do that if you keep looking at what others have that you don't. Because, by the end of the day, you're you, so you will always find things in other people that you can't find in yourself.

"Do you have to work today?", Nora asks when we sit at my table, doing some schoolwork.

"Yep."

"Ah, shit." I furrow my eyebrows as she looks at me. "I just wanted to hang out with you after we're done with this, that's all."

I laugh. "We're literally hanging out 24/7, Nor. I'm surprised you're not tired of me yet."

"Hey! I will never get tired of you, you know that. I've known you for nineteen years. There's no way I'm gonna leave you now."

I smile, feeling lucky to have her in my life. "You know... we could just quit the schoolwork and watch a movie together until I have to go for work. What do you say?"

A big smile appears on her face while she stands up and throws herself on the couch. "I thought you'd never ask."

I think we should all have a person in our lives that makes us feel like we're not alone. Who will always be there for us and listen to what we have to say. That's Nora for me. Always has been and always will be.

-

After a long evening of working, I head back to my apartment. I swear to god, I could fall asleep right now, right here in my car. I'm exhausted.

I get out of the elevator and walk toward my apartment, music in my ears. I walk around the corner and see Jason sitting against my door. "Jason?"

He looks up from his phone, his eyes lighting up the minute he sees me. "Meg, hi."

"Wha–are you okay? What happened?"

"...mom kicked me out."

"What?!"

"Yeah, we uh... we had a stupid argument and she told me I was being irresponsible and that she didn't want to have to deal with my problems anymore, and..." He sighs. "Whatever. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Jason! She can't just kick you out like that, you're her fucking son!"

"And you're her fucking daughter! She was supposed to fucking be there for you!" A tear falls down his face. "I'd rather stay with anyone else than the woman who made you feel like you're not worth it."

"Jason–"

"I know I promised you I wouldn't be a burden. I'm sorry for showing up again out of nowhere, I know it's not fair, I just... I have nowhere to go."

"So stay."

"Really?"

I nod. "Come on." I hand out my hand to help him get up. He smiles and takes it, immediately pulling me in for a hug.

"I'm sorry", he whispers into my shoulder.

"Don't, Jason. We'll figure something out. I promise."

Nora thinks it's stupid I forgave my brother so easily. 'He hurt you, Meg. He left you when you needed him the most and the minute he needs you, he comes back', she had said. She's right. I did forgive him easily. He left, lived his perfect life while I was still here with my mom who he knows from has never cared about me, then things got hard for him and he came back. But, he's still my brother. The person who made me feel like I was worth it. Who made sure I was always doing okay and who always stood up for me. The least I can do to repay him for all that, is being there for him now. Making sure he's okay. I mean, isn't that what siblings are supposed to do? Being there and never giving up on each other? That's how I learned it, at least. I love him, I do. Though he hurt me, I love him so much. I owe my life to him, now that I look back at everything.

I hope you understand you need your own love more than they do. Billie is right. It is important to give yourself your own love, because after all, we have to spend our entire lives with ourselves. But is it really more important to give yourself more love than others? I don't know about that. The way I look at it, is that people learn to love themselves by first being loved by another. It's because I get to love my best friend, and my dad, and my brother that I'm able to live with myself. I feel the need to give others love and receive it back from them in order to accept me for the way I am. So yes, it is important to give yourself love, but it's not more important than giving others love.

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