I woke up that morning and it was an ordinary day. So ordinary, in fact, that I stayed where I was and couldn't bring myself to even think about getting up.
I'll stay.
Just for a day.
No, I'm not falling back into emptiness. It's just one day. One day is all I need.
And you were there, just like that, instantly seizing the opportunity
You gave me a coffee and I said but I don't even like coffee.
Yet I drank and fell asleep.
How odd. Wasn't this supposed to wake me up? Give me strength, kick me into awareness? Wasn't this supposed to help?
****
Where there is one, there will be two and three and how many days have passed?
Wasn't I supposed to get better? I felt it, remembered it - the being awake and alive. Just for a moment, and I knew life had taken a turn again. It will get better. It is getting better.
Why then, did I feel, again, as if my life had been eaten away? A small, barely aware sprout of hope was smashed for thinking it could exist on its own.
***
You smiled and smiled and talked in a strange voice. It was too soft, too mild, too sweet. As if this was the perfect arrangement. As if this life of yours and lack of will to live of mine, as if this was some happy ever after for the rest of all time. And with a firm hand, you pressed me back into an endless sleep and went on with your life ( surely it was difficult, maintaining such a fragile castle?)
But I listened and sank into a peaceful dreamless state. Was it peaceful? Wasn't it just empty?
Tell me, was this your ideal world? Where you are alive, and I exist. Where now I think I'd rather be thrown away than indulged. I'd rather struggle to catch up, I'd rather be dragged outside and have my heart run marathons. I'd rather be disappointed. All better than sleeping blissfully in a golden cradle.
***
Spring arrived but I barely noticed
***
Then one day, in that half-comatose state, I heard a familiar sound. A bird was chirping somewhere. How nice, I thought and would have immediately gone back to sleep but that wonderful sound of home drowned in others.
Cars, people, music, neighbours, more cars, factories. The real world came crashing down on me as if it had lost its brakes. No, it was me. I had forgotten.
***
Soon after I realised.
For once, I didn't blame myself.
***
It hurts coming back to life
So I walked around with closed eyes
Felt the sun on my face
And smiled brighter and brighter
My heart was still empty but this fleeting joy was a nice chance
Maybe, just maybe, life is not that scary
Maybe, just maybe I can dare to hope
Just maybe and just for a grain of happiness
***
You came back home and for a second your face distorted. Tell me, was it just a horrific sight? Your favourite corpse had crawled out of her grave and was busily watering plants. With a bowl of water in her ashy hands, a hollow face greeting you, but moving, caring, breathing for the first time. Tell me, did your life really crumble before you?
And with a gentle smile and firm hand you pressed me back into the water, head first.
Why is it this again? Why is it always like this?
I ask questions, too many questions, and die.
I try to live, not even run from you, and die.
And if I had stayed like that
You would have left me or finally succumbed to sleep as well
Why is it always the same?
Why are you all the same?
So different yet all out for my life
As if someone had designed a game where I've been chosen as the target
If so where is the balance
where is
fairness
where is
help
I was drowning and didn't move.
And cried and cried and cried.
Until there was too much water and everything drowned
Yet those were no longer tears but a normal body of water
And from inside that tiny space, the river crashed through the door sweeping everything out.
I was left alone, completely empty. Tears drained everything but didn't leave anything behind.
No pain no relief
I was left empty but free
And it was enough.
No more sleep
No more empty dreams
No more complacency
No more pity for the ones who live through your suffering
No more love for the ones in love with my death
YOU ARE READING
To you, I sing across the moon
PoetryOne day I sat down and spun a story to the stars above. Hoping they can keep a secret. But the moon, that traitor, turned around and told you everything I said. About you. And about this world. All my little idle thoughts grew roots and flesh. No...
