Disadvantageous

Chapter 12

Sherlock watched Lydia leave the water closet, his heart feeling as though it was being squeezed by some invisible force. He wanted to run after her, to explain everything. The drugs, Janine, it was all to bring down Magnussen. It was dangerous to go after him, but it was necessary. And he needed to prove that didn't care for Lydia anymore, even though she still had an iron hold on his heart.

What made it worse was that she was no longer with Liam. There was an opening there, a chance to win her back. But the timing had been entirely wrong. Now she thought he had moved on and worse, that he was a junkie. It was true, he enjoyed the excuse to use again. Drugs had an effect on his mind that he constantly craved. But it was nothing compared to the sensation of holding Lydia close to his chest, seeing her face light up with joy, hearing her laughter.

But his obsession with Magnussen threatened the possibly that their relationship could be mended in the future. He doubted he would ever be able to assure her the drugs were only to protect her and Willow. With her past, she would never believe that.

Realising that he had been standing alone in the water closet for quite a while, Sherlock took in a deep breath and left the room, not surprised to find Willow no longer in her bed. He closed his eyes heavily, wishing that he had at least been able to say goodbye. But he couldn't do that now, he couldn't let Magnussen see him going over to Lydia's flat, even if she was willing to let him in to give his daughter one last kiss.

So he closed the door to Willow's bedroom and headed down the stairs, shifting into the character he had crafted when he was around Janine. The woman in question was waiting for him downstairs, putting a kettle on. He assumed that was the extent of her abilities in the kitchen, which only made his stomach rubble thinking of the meals Lydia had made him. He missed being in the kitchen with her, he missed learning to cook by her side, even if he was never any good at it.

"Where's that brilliant head of yours, Sherly?" Janine asked, slipping her arm around his waist as she pulled herself close to him.

In response, Sherlock quickly drew out of his thoughts and placed a kiss on Janine's temple, "just thinking about how much time you and I are going to have to ourselves now that Willow's back with her mum."

Meanwhile, Lydia fought back her emotions throughout the journey back home, concentrating on her breathing and not waking Willow, who stirred but never fully woke as she was transported from flat to flat. Lydia was grateful for that, at least. She didn't think she was doing her best at hiding her inner battle and she knew Willow would only worry if she were awake.

As soon as she arrived back at the flat, she got Willow settled down in her bed, hoping the young girl would sleep in a while longer. Lydia needed a moment to herself where she did not feel it necessary to push down everything she was feeling. But the moment that Lydia closed the door of Willow's bedroom, everything she was feeling suddenly surged upwards in an uncontrollable explosion of emotion.

Everything hit her all at once. Sherlock had moved on, she would not be able to repair her relationship with him, Liam was gone, Sherlock was on drugs, and now she made it so he would not see his daughter again until he was clean. His heartbroken expression was seared into her mind, but what else could she have done? To entrust him while on drugs to care for their child? To condemn Willow to the same life she had had?

Lydia knew she had done what she had to do, but it hurt because it was something she had to do. What had happened to Sherlock to make him descend into drugs? What case had been so important that he had to lose himself to solve it?

And why, why had he chosen Janine?

She knew it wasn't fair of her to be angry about that, Sherlock had had to see herself with Liam. Lydia couldn't then expect Sherlock to refrain from a love life of his own. But they had been so close to being together again, all she had needed was for Sherlock to say the word. She missed him more than she could ever put into words, despite having desperately tried to bury those feelings for months now. All she wanted was to feel his lips on hers once more, to feel his fingers clasped in her own.

A knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts and she hastily brushed away her tears, hoping it wasn't too obvious that she had been crying. Her thoughts raced as she went to the door, wondering who it was. It was most likely Liam, come to collect his things. But she hoped it was Sherlock, come to reveal that everything that had happened at his flat had been some sort of cruel joke.

However, she wasn't expecting it to be Lawrence standing out in the hallway, waiting to be let in. He was grinning from ear to ear, clearly having some sort of good news to share with her. Taking in a deep breath, Lydia opened the door and plastered a smile on her face.

"Lawrence! What a wonderful surprise, come on in! You didn't bring Zoe along?" She greeted, hoping that he wouldn't see through her act.

Lawrence stepped inside, his smile unfaltering, "no, she was actually over at Peter's last night, thought it best not to disturb them."

Lydia hummed in agreement, "so what's the great news?"

"Well I- hold on, how do you know I have great news?" Lawrence turned back to her, finally taking her in. He did a double take as he noticed how puffy her eyes were, the eyelashes still wet with tears.

But she tried to pretend not to notice his shift in expression, "I think it's rather obvious, Lawrence, with the way you were grinning. Now, please don't just leave me in suspense."

"Lia, what's wrong? What happened to you?"

"Oh, nothing, really. I'm sure whatever you have to say will cheer me up, though."

"You've been crying, Lydia. Did something happen with Liam?" Lawerence pressed, refusing to let her conceal what she was going through.

Knowing he wasn't going to give up, she heaved a sigh, "well, yes. But that decision ended up being rather mutual. At least now I don't have to spend my paycheques on a wedding."

"Oh, Lia, I'm so sorry to hear that."

She gave him a small smile, "don't be, it was for the best."

"But if you're not upset about that, what's wrong?"

"I told you, it's nothing. I was being silly." Lydia waited for Lawrence to move on and tell her his good news, but when it became apparent that he was going to do no such things, Lydia let out a small sigh. "Liam ended it because he knew I was still in love with Sherlock and he wanted me to pursue that relationship rather than get stuck with him. So I went over Sherlock's this morning hoping to repair our relationship and not only is he apparently dating one of Mary's friends but he was also high as a kite!"

"Oh, Lia, I'm so sorry," Lawrence tried to comfort her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"No, it's ok, I know I shouldn't react like this. I mean he was free to do whatever he liked, I don't own him or anything. I just wish that things could have worked out."

"Well, with any luck he and this new woman won't last long. I mean, you know how difficult he is."

Lydia's lips twitched upwards, "I suppose, but I don't wish for them to break it off. He seemed happy with her and shouldn't I want him to be happy? But the drugs, I still can't believe that after all these years he relapsed and with Willow in the house. Anyway, I could use some good news, so please tell me why you came over."

Lawrence shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to share what had happened with him after hearing about Lydia's relationship troubles. However, he knew she wouldn't let him leave until he told her so he started, "er, well, you know that stagehand I had mentioned? He and I got drinks last night after the show and we're dating now."

"Lawrence, that's wonderful!" Lydia exclaimed, wrapping her arms around his neck. "But now I have to meet him, we must plan a get together. Zoe can bring Peter along, too!"

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(A/N): I'm sorry for not posting yesterday, but I do have an excuse because I moved today so yesterday was just a long hectic day of planning and making sure everything was in order! Hopefully I will be able to stick to a schedule but the next two and a half weeks are going to be quite hectic for me (especially that last week as I will be doing a very quick research trip to Italy and don't know if I'll even have time to breathe). Anywho, enough with my excuses, I hope you enjoyed getting Sherlock's brief perspective on things!