Disadvantageous

Chapter 36

"I still think you should have taken the ring," John spoke as he mindlessly flicked through a book. He had brought it to entertain him on the train ride, but he quickly discovered he had very little interest in it.

Sherlock frowned and shifted his attention to his friend, "and why is that? He has a much greater use for it than I do."

John cleared his throat uncomfortably, "so you haven't even thought about asking her to marry you?"

"Her?"

"Sherlock, I know you're a bloody genius, don't play daft with me. I know you don't support marriage as a construct-"

"Exactly, it is nothing but a celebration of everything that is false and-"

"I know, I know. I heard it all at my wedding. But as you said, it is a celebration of that, of love. It doesn't change the fact that you are already in love."

"Then why would we need some large ceremony to prove that? It is nothing but a waste of money wherein you have to pretend that you actually want to see the people in your life and share it with them when in reality you want them all gone. Besides, I would have needed to get the ring resized anyway."

"So you have thought about it, then? You know her ring size."

Sherlock glared at him, "I know your ring size, John, does that mean you expect me to propose to you, too?"

John gave a sad smile, "and Lydia? Does she want to get married? You know, some day."

"Based on her previous engagement to that brainless actor, I'd imagine so. I'm sure she wants nothing more than a normal relationship. Marriage, kids, to create a very typical family."

"Mate, if she wanted that, she would have left you years ago. I think she knows by now that a relationship with you isn't going to be normal, that doesn't matter to her. Besides, you've already gotten started on the kids, haven't you? Why not complete her fantasy?"

Sherlock gritted his teeth, knowing that there was no way out of this conversation without looking like an unfeeling arsehole. The truth was that he wasn't opposed to marriage, not to Lydia. It still made very little sense to him, if they were already living together, had a child together, were devoted to each other, then what was a silly little piece of paper really going to accomplish? But he knew it would make her happy and he found himself not entirely opposed to the idea. It was more than that, actually. He wanted to be able to call her his wife. But the prospect of asking her, that was a thought too terrifying to entertain.

"If what you said is true and she anticipated that our relationship would be far from normal, then she will not be disappointed. But if she does still hold on to hope that I will change my mind on the prospect of marriage, then I'm afraid she might as well find someone else, one more willing to put a ring on her finger."

"You really detest the idea of marriage that much?" John sighed, wondering if there was more to Sherlock's feelings that he was willing to share. After all, he had been adamantly against sentiment until Lydia had found him, perhaps John had simply been expecting that same change in his views of marriage. "Still should have taken the ring, you could have pawned it."

Sherlock's lips twitched up at this comment, "I could have, but if Mycroft ever found out I was pawning an engagement ring, I would hear the end of it."

The remainder of the train ride back was uneventful, meaning John did not bring up the topic of marriage again, yet it was the only thing on Sherlock's mind. Even when he tried to escape to his mind palace, the thought broke through his barriers and tormented him. After all, he had considered proposing once and that had been nothing short of a right disaster. It was never a good thing when the woman you wanted to become engaged to is actually already promised to another. And although Sherlock knew that that was no longer the case, there were a million other reasons why Lydia would say no and he didn't think he could bear that rejection.