Disadvantageous

Chapter 17

Lydia held Willow in her arms as she watched Sherlock say his goodbyes to Mary and John. Even though Lydia hadn't told Willow everything, she knew the young girl felt the palpable grief in the air. Mycroft was the only one who appeared unaffected, Lydia could tell Sherlock was doing his best to remain strong in front of his friends and daughter.

When he turned to approach her and Willow, Lydia felt her heart skip a beat and immediately found it difficult to hold back the tears. But she couldn't let Willow be suspicious that this was going to be a more permanent goodbye than they had been letting on.

"Why are you going, daddy?" Willow asked as Sherlock took her from Lydia's arms, holding his daughter close to his chest.

He closed his eyes as he placed a kiss on the top of her head, "I have to go, it's to keep you safe. Well, I suppose it is to keep the whole of England safe, but I'm really just concerned about you, princess."

"But I don't want you to go!" Willow cried out, tears pooling in her blue eyes. "Stay!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but I don't have a choice," Sherlock managed to get out, but he was finding it much harder to keep his composure when his daughter was begging him to remain in London. He had hoped the drugs would help numb the pain, as well as allow his death to be on his own terms, but it seemed the first reason he had taken what he had was not going as planned.

Lydia stepped forward and placed her hand on Willow's back, "daddy's going to be a hero, darling. And I know it's hard to see him go, but he's going off to help a lot of people. Don't you want him to go save the world?"

Giving a sheepish nod, Willow lifted her head so she could look her father in the eye, "I'll miss you."

"I know, sweetie," Sherlock gave her a small smile, hating how terrible he felt leaving his daughter with misplaced hope. "I'm going to miss you, too. I'll be constantly thinking of you while I'm away, wondering what mischief you've gotten yourself into. But don't be too hard on your mummy, ok? We don't want to wear her out."

Willow gave another nod and reached up to give Sherlock a kiss, or at least as much of a kiss as she was capable of giving. Sherlock didn't care, however, how gross a toddler's wet kiss was, he would have given anything to experience more of them. But that was no longer in the cards for him, not since he had chosen to protect those he cared about by sacrificing himself.

So Sherlock pushed those thoughts aside and turned to Lydia, "and you, if there's anything that you need, do not hesitate to reach out to John and Mary. I know it's still a bit tense between you and Mary, but she would be the first to volunteer to help you. And you should probably help them once their baby is born, I think they'll be utterly lost without me."

Lydia broke out into a small smile at that remark, but couldn't control her emotions any longer. She wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into an embrace, being careful not the squish Willow between them. As he placed his hand on her back, Sherlock let his eyes close, trying to take in this moment so that he may have it to focus on when death finally called.

"Be safe, Sherlock," Lydia whispered, hoping that Sherlock would at least try to make it home alive, despite the Holmes brothers' strong belief that he would not last more than six months.

"Of course, darling," he muttered back, pulling away from the embrace ever so slightly so that he could capture her lips in a kiss. If he was to die, he wanted to enjoy the sensation, one last time.