Desire: One Woman's Story of Love

Chapter Twenty Four

Reader's POV:

I'd spent the last few weeks on 'bed rest' as Dr Osbourne instructed, more to Lana than to me. I didn't object because I was physically drained and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and just sleep the days away. Although falling asleep was proven near impossible when I closed my eyes and all I saw was him. I would end up crying myself to sleep, softly so Lana wouldn't hear. I spent a lot of the time crying, but always making sure Lana wasn't around to hear me. I would go to the bathroom and just sit on the floor sobbing, feeling disgusting and worthless. Was this my life from now on? Would it ever get better?

I could tell Lana was worried sick about me, I wasn't eating, and I would wake her up in the middle of the night, thrashing my arms and legs about, controlled by a nightmare. When I finally came too, after Lana had to literally pin my arms by my side to prevent me from hurting myself or her, I would lay there, paralysed, doused in my own sweat and tears. It would take a few moments of me sobbing and profusely apologising before I would allow Lana to hold me and rock me back to sleep. But the cycle continued.

I wasn't sure when I was going back to work or even if I was going to, if I didn't Lana would get suspicious but whenever I thought about going back to that place, with him there, it gave me so much anxiety. Lana had been working from home, although I doubted she'd done much work. She was working on her new book, but she'd written very little. Her excuse was writers block but I knew I was the reason. I assured her I'd be fine for a couple hours if she wanted to go into the office, but she refused to leave my side. I was grateful for her staying with me, because even though in the beginning I just wanted to be alone, now the thought of being left alone petrified me.

We hadn't really spoken about what happened since we got back from the hospital. I overheard Dr Osbourne talking to Lana about getting the police involved. Lana said she'd talk to me about it, but she hadn't yet. I couldn't go to the police, I just couldn't bring myself to go through all of that. Having to relive my nightmare over and over. There was also the fact I'd have to tell them it was Chris, which meant Lana would find out. I couldn't risk losing her.

"Can I ask you something?" Lana's soft voice broke the silence as we lay in bed, my current thoughts being momentarily discarded as her fingers softly combed through my hair, that hadn't been washed in days.

"Of course." I tilted my head slightly to look up at her, there was a couple seconds before she spoke.

"If I hadn't of walked in when I did, would you have ever told me about what happened?" My brows furrowed slightly as my eyes drifted down, unsure how to answer.

"I don't know.. I just-" My voice was quiet, I didn't want to upset her. She was bound to be sad that I would keep something like that from her, especially with the way she found out.

"Just what darling?" She pressed a light kiss to the top of my head and I snuggled closer to her, wrapping my arms securely around her waist as my eyes met her chocolate orbs.

"Part of me wanted to tell you.. I hated lying to you.. but I-" I tore my eyes away from Lana's questioning gaze, thinking of how to word what I was about to say. "Well.. I didn't want you to be reminded of.." I bit my lip nervously, we had only spoken about Lana's past a couple of times, and what happened to her but I usually let her steer the conversation as I didn't want to upset her.

"About what happened to me?" She finished for me and I nodded my head slowly, keeping my gaze cast downwards.

"Oh darling." She sighed, wrapping her arms tighter around me and pulling me closer, my head resting comfortably on her chest.

"What happened to you was way worse than what happened to me." My voice was quiet as I voiced a thought that had crossed my mind numerous times before now. "I didn't-" But before I could finish my sentence Lana cut me off as she lifted my head to look at her.

"Hey! Do not, for a second, invalidate what happened to you." I was caught off guard by her tone of voice, it was stern, but soft at the same time. Her dark eyes searching mine, as her thumb lightly stroked my cheek.

"What happened to me was a long time ago, and I'm over it, I've moved on, I've healed, and you helped me with that, and I want to do the same for you." Her voice broke slightly and I could tell she was trying to be strong for me. I reached up, my hand lingering on her cheek as I placed a tentative kiss to her lips.

"You don't just get over something like that Lana." I whispered, both to her and to myself. I didn't know if I would ever get over what had happened. Maybe in time, but right now it didn't seem possible.

"Maybe not.. but I'm getting there, thanks to you." I smiled softly, blinking back tears. "I want to help you through this, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I'm here now and I'll never ever leave you." There was a sadness to her voice and I could tell she somehow blamed herself for my ordeal.

"This isn't your fault, you know that right?"

Lana reluctantly tore her gaze from mine, focusing on a spot at the end of the bed. "If I had of been there, then this wouldn't have happened to you."

I forced myself into a sitting position before placing both hands on either side of Lana's face, and turning her to look at me. "No, don't think like that Lana. You can't blame yourself. I don't blame you." I brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "This isn't your fault." I repeated, enunciating each word, trying to make her understand. But no matter what I said, I could tell she still blamed herself. If the roles were reversed, I know I would blame myself too.

"We're going to get through this." She whispered, her soft lips grazing my forehead.

"I know." I didn't sound very convincing, my voice small and distant. I closed my eyes for a moment, the only time I was able to without being plagued by nightmares.

An overwhelming feeling suddenly enveloped me. I could feel an avalanche of tears threatening to fall and a familiar nauseating feeling fluttered around inside my stomach.

"I'm going to take a shower." I excused myself, forcing myself up off the bed and staggering to the bathroom on shaky legs.

"You want me to join you?" Lana asked, not in an inappropriate way but more of a comforting way. She saw how exhausted I was, struggling to keep myself upright and only having one working hand, she wanted to help, but I just shook my head, smiling through watery eyes.

"I'm ok.." With that being said, I locked myself in the bathroom, vision blurry with tears as I turned on the shower, drowning out the sounds of me violently throwing up into the toilet.

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Hi guys! Sorry for keeping you waiting, been busy procrastinating. 🙈 Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and as usual please comment your thoughts and opinions. Your comments are always so lovely. 🙈
~T ♡~