You Can Find Me In The Space Between

Big Girls Don't Cry

"Can you believe the nerve of that guy?!" Julie said while pacing around the room. Flynn and Carrie didn't answer – there was no point as Julie had been talking in circles like this for the past 30 minutes. "Can you believe he brought up my boys? My boys!" The other two girls nodded, though by this point, it was more out of habit than actually listening to her rant. "If I ever see him again... he's going to be sorry." She finally dramatically sat down on the couch and crossed her arms like a little kid.

Sensing a change in the pattern, Carrie and Flynn sat down beside Julie on the couch. Carrie needed to ask the question she had been wondering since she heard Peter or Luke or whoever speak. "Jules... I'm not saying he is Luke, but how would he know his and Reggie's name? Or that Reggie loved pizza? And how would..." Flynn was trying to tell Carrie to shut up as this was obviously a sensitive topic. Carrie finally caught on as she abruptly stopped talking. "I mean, he can't be Luke, but you know, how did he know?"

"He must have been a fan of the band or something. And I probably introduced them at a show. The point is I would know if he was Luke. Right Flynn? You always said our chemistry was off the charts, and there definitely wasn't any chemistry with Paul or whatever his name was." Flynn quickly nodded, though she was pretty sure Julie remembered that his name was Peter. Objectively speaking, as a third party with no personal interest, Flynn thought he was hot. He was the kind of guy whose name you would remember.

Julie was feeling worked up, which did not help with the ever-growing anxiety of figuring out what she was going to do after she graduated. "Okay let's forget whoever that rando was, and let's focus on colleges."

The girls started eating their now cold pizza while looking at colleges. While they had returned to the three amigos status over the past year, they knew better than to assume they would all go to school together. They just hoped they would be at least in the same time zone.

Carrie hadn't told the girls yet, but she doubted that they would be in the same time zone. She wanted to go into fashion, and while there were a few schools in California that had a good reputation, she really needed to go to London, Paris, or New York. She had already set up an internship for right after they graduated at some fashion house in New York. She was worried Julie and Flynn would think she had abandoned them, but she just hoped they would be happy for her in the end.

Flynn wanted to go into counselling. She knew that Stanford had one of the best programs for that, but Flynn wasn't sure her grades would get her in. She was a fine student, but more so averaged an A- or a B+. Stanford was intimidating, and it was her dream, but they only had a 4% acceptance rate. She needed other schools to apply to – or at least that's what the guidance counsellor had said. Flynn loved the sun too much to want to leave California. That didn't limit her too much though as there were great options at UCLA, Berkley, and USC.

Julie was still trying to figure out what she wanted to do. It had made sense to pursue music, especially when the guys were around, but she didn't know if she felt the same way now. She had wondered about becoming a teacher, that's what her mom had been. Julie wished there was an option to try a different class every day to see what actually interested her. Her friends had such concrete ideas about what they wanted to be, and she felt like such a failure for not having an idea of what she wanted to do when she was older. Well she knew she wanted to be a mom, and have the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe, but career wise, it changed all the time. She tried doing career aptitude tests, but every time, she got different answers. Julie liked a plan, and right now she was just trying to hold it together because she didn't have even a hint of a plan.

Julie listened as her friends were typing rapidly on their laptops, and jotting down prerequisites for different schools. Julie's own fingers were hovering above her keyboard, unsure of what to type or where to start. At this rate she was wondering about going into philosophy because then maybe she might get some answers to why the heck all this pressure was put on kids her age to know their whole future. Get a degree, get a job, get out of the massive amounts of student debt, get a house, get a dog, get a gold star for living a perfect life. Was there a song in there somewhere? Julie hadn't spent much time writing songs since New York. But maybe it was seeing that guy today that had her fingers itching for a pen to write down lyrics.

***

Carrie and Flynn went home after dinner, and the Molina family was watching some old home movies. They shared some laughs, and also some tears, seeing Rose on the screen. Julie and Carlos were in fits of giggles when Ray and Rose's wedding video came on.

"Papi... what is going on with your hair? Did-did you have frosted tips?" Julie said in between breaths. With all these laughs, she was gasping for air.

"I'll have you know, that was highly fashionable at the time." Ray said trying to keep a straight face. "You just wait. One day your trends will seem ridiculous too. Those tiny sunglasses people wear – I guarantee in 20 years your kids will be laughing at you!"

Ray finally turned the tv off, and the family sat happily on the couch. "I love you guys."

"We love you too Papi." Julie and Carlos said together.

***

Julie once again was sitting in front of her computer, trying to figure out how to navigate the college admissions website. She was on the verge of tears, but she refused to let any fall. It was now midnight, and Julie was about to give up when her email dinged notifying her of a new email. She clicked over to her inbox and saw an unfamiliar email address.

Hey Jules,

I'm sorry for upsetting you earlier today. Please let me make it up to you. Or at least allow me to explain the situation.

Love,

Pete

--

Peter,

I don't know how you got my email, but don't email me again. Or call me Jules.

Julie

--

Hi Julie,

I'm sorry. But, can I ask why you're up right now?

Love,

Pete

--

I told you stop emailing me.

--

Hey Julie,

You did reply, you know? So why are you awake?

Love,

Pete

He made a point. Why was she replying to his emails? Well she wasn't going to reply to the last one. She stuck her tongue out at the screen, and closed her laptop.

"One day, you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide." Brene Brown