You Can Find Me In The Space Between

Chapter Eleven

"Hey Fi?"

"Mmm?" Fiona hummed, barely acknowledging Nate's question.

"What do you think happens after we die?" Nate asked.

"Is this your way of avoiding studying?" Fiona laughed.

"No, I'm serious. What do you think happens?"

"I don't know. Is this your way of telling me your dying?" Fiona joked. When Nate didn't immediately reply, Fiona paled. "Wait. You're not dying are you?!"

Nate shook his head. "No. I've just been wondering, you know? Like I'm guessing my folks died, but do you think they're watching me?"

Fiona reached out and squeezed his hand. Maybe it was because she wanted to be a psychology major, but they had decided that Nate had some traumatic experience, and had blocked it all out. It was the only logical explanation she could think of as to why he couldn't remember his past, and Nate was fine with that diagnosis.

Fiona had suggested that he go to therapy or something to work through it and figure out his past, but Nate had remembered Michael's letter and told her that it was probably a gift if it was that traumatic. But every now and then, Nate would get these vivid images in his mind, and they felt so real that he was wondering if they were his old memories. Sometimes he would try to write down what he felt in a small journal – just in case he ever wanted to pursue remembering his old life. Sometimes it was words, or images, or names. A lot of the time they didn't make sense, like chairs floating on the ceiling, or a Halloween party where everyone was dressed in 90s grunge. But at least once a week, he would wake up thinking 'will he'. He didn't know what it meant. He just wanted to scream 'Will he what?', though he doubted the universe was going to answer him anytime soon. All the same, he kept these thoughts in his journal. But this morning, he thought about death. And where you go when you die. Not physically, but he kept imagining this dark room where you waited.

Truthfully, he didn't really think his parents were watching over him, but he figured that was a better excuse rather than admit to thinking about death.

"Nate – I wish I could tell you everything you needed to hear, but I don't have those words. But I can tell you that I am here, and while I can't predict the future, I will always be here for you."

Nate's heart swelled at Fiona's words. 'Stay positive, stay focused, and live life to the fullest' Nate told himself. "Thanks Fi. Okay. No more distractions –" Nate started, but his words quickly became a lie as he watched someone walk into the pub. He had long dark hair in a bun, and was carrying a helmet under his arm. Nate was struck by a sense of familiarity. It was too powerful to ignore. "Uh, Fi, I'll be right back."

Fiona followed Nate's eyes and smirked when they landed on the new guy in question. "Go get him tiger." Nate rolled his eyes but walked nervously over to him.

"Hey, I know this is really random, but have we met? You just look so familiar." Nate said.

The guy looked at him before shaking his head. "Sorry mate. Don't think so."

Nate still couldn't shake the feeling. "Are you sure? Do you go to school here? Maybe we have a class together?"

Once again, the guy shook his head. "Nah I'm just visiting. Sorry but I'm late to meet my girl. Cheers." Nate watched as the guy walked over to some girl at the bar and gave her a kiss. Well that ruled out an old boyfriend.

Nate walked back to his table when Fiona gave him a wince. "Sorry bud. Saw you crash and burn there."

Nate let out a small chuckle and shook his head. "Okay, no distractions for real this time. Where are we in the textbook?" Nate picked up his Media and Pop Culture textbook. He had been told this was going to be a bird course. Sit in the lecture hall and space out, but the professor was new this year, so they were actually using the textbook and having to learn.

"Umm... 'The Social Impacts In Response To The Emergence Of Viral Videos' on page 227. It seems kind of ridiculous to read out viral videos rather than actually watching them." Fiona said and pulled out her laptop. "I think it would be... studious for us to spend 10 minutes watching viral videos."

Nate didn't hold back his laugh this time. "Okay but let the record reflect that you are the one not studying now." Fiona gave Nate a mock look of offense. She pulled up viral videos of the previous year on Youtube. 10 minutes turned into 40, and they agreed one more before heading back to the dorm.

"Okay how about this one. It's a garage jam with 14 million hits?" Fiona suggested. "It's by a someone called... Julie and the Phantoms? You'd think they'd be like goth or something with ghosts, but they look like a pop group."

Again, the pang of familiarity shook through Nate. He didn't say anything in response to Fiona, but pressed play on the video. He felt his fingers tapping out the drum melody on the rim of the table, even though it was his first time hearing the song. He felt certain this was something from his past. Maybe it was this song? He grabbed the computer, shocking Fiona. He started scrolling through the comments. There were people asking if anyone had a recording of them opening for Panic at the Disco, saying different members were hot (he didn't disagree), but most of the recent ones were asking if the band was still together. He didn't know what he was expecting, but he knew this song, this band, was important to discovering his history. And for the first time, he wanted to ignore Michael's advice, and find out more about who he used to be.

***

Julie had not thought this through. Pete looked unbelievably heartbroken, Benji looked seriously confused, Carlos looked like he was trying to count backwards from 834, Flynn looked hurt, and Carrie's face was turning red.

"Guys, no, I didn't, no. Pete, I never kissed Nick. We were never together." Julie quickly said. "Flynn c'mon you would have known if that happened – and Carrie, I obviously would have asked you – girl code."

"THEN WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?!" Pete yelled.

"It was the only way I could get you to stop pacing and freaking out!"

"...Okay, well next time... do something else, okay?" Pete said and then wrapped Julie up in a tight hug and kissed her all over her cheeks and forehead. Carlos no so subtly coughed and the two sprung apart. "Right... so, any ideas on Alex?"

"So I see we're just going to gloss over all of," Flynn waved her hands, "that? Roger."

"I agree with Flynn!" Benji smiled widely.

"Yes. We are going to ignore it," Julie said, trying to keep the blush off of her cheeks. "Plus, I think it's more important for us to find Alex."

"It's too bad we can't just send out a missing poster for Alex." Benji sighed.

"Well, why not?" Carrie asked. "I mean, obviously we'd have to hide it from his family, but I also doubt they'd be checking out social media for signs of him."

Pete nodded at Carrie's words. "She has a point. What's the point in being subtle about this? It's not like we have to specifically say Alex Mercer, but we could say the drummer from our band? What do you think Jules?"

Julie bit at her thumbnail. "You don't think that, I don't know, Michael will take you back if you break his rules?"

"First off, I think they were more like helpful suggestions, and does it really matter? Alex is probably out there alone. Dealing with his anxiety? And you know how he hates change." Benji said, looking to Pete for confirmation.

Julie gave a resigned sigh. "Okay. We're doing this. Now we just need to find out how to do it."

"A hug is always the right size." - Winnie the Pooh