Sway Along The Waves (Bellariva Series #1)

Chapter 21

Never in my life I have ever imagine that the time will come where I have to send her on her own grave. I hate this feeling. It feels like setting her free also means abandoning her.

"No words can describe how much I misses her," I whispered my thoughts unconsciously.

Chiyo looked at me using those eyes filled with pity for me ever since it laid on me last night. I hate it. I hate that he pitied me. I hate that he's only here because he pitied me. He just took a sigh and didn't say anything. That was a relief for me though. Ayoko munang marinig siyang magsalita ng kahit ano.

Pilit kong pinanatili ang atensyon ko sa harap kung nasaan ang kabaong ni mama. My brothers invited few closest family friends. Nakilala ko na ang iba kanina dahil ako ang una nilang nilalapitan para batiin. Ramiel and Torren were here too, kasama ni Emman. Ganoon rin ang pamilya ni Hailee. Hindi ko na magawang tuunan pa ang iba dahil abala ako sa pagpapatahan sa sarili ko.

I am wearing a big black glasses to hide my eyes. Namamaga pa rin kasi iyon. My casual black dress is fitted perfectly on my body's small curves. Pinartneran ko iyon ng itim na stilleto na nakita ko sa closet ko kaninang umaga. Nag-uumpisa na kasing ayusin ang mga gamit ko roon.

"Marisa always talks about you whenever we had a conversation. She loves you so much, Vienna. Condolences," hinalikan ako sa noo ni tita Haidi nang maupo ito sa tabi ko. Ganoon rin ang ginawa ng asawa nito habang si Hailee naman na nakasalamin rin kagaya ko ay tipid lang akong nginitian.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi nang mag-umpisa na namang manubig ang mga mata ko sa narinig. I don't like hearing comforting words from other people. It just makes me so emotional. It easily makes me cry. Masarap sa pakiramdam ang mga mababaw na salita kaya madali para sa aking maluha sa mga 'yon.

Halos wala pang isang araw simula ang nangyari, pero sobra na agad ang pangungulila ko kay mama. Para bang isang taon na ang nakalipas para sa akin. I miss her. I will surely miss seeing her each morning when I wake up. I will miss seeing her in the evening before I fall to sleep. Her smile and her words are the things that can easily give me comfort.

It's hard for me to forget the memories. We never say our goodbyes to each other so it's really difficult for me to lose the hope that one day, I'll see her once again. I'll see her and tell her a lot of stories about my experiences for those times she's not on my side. It's hard for me to find an escape. Last night, I feel the urge to runaway thinking that it might be a help to save myself from everything. Last night, I feel like dying or just stop breathing or just shift to another soul yet when an image of her accidentally crosses my mind, I thought of her... I stopped for a moment and think that my life shouldn't just stop here. I still have to make her proud. I want to make her proud and live a life I always wanted to live. Even if she's not with me anymore.

Last night, I feel like she's beside me. I could feel her watching me in a distance and as I went to bed, I could still feel her, lying beside me as I sleep. I cried the whole night realizing how much my mother loves me, how much she cares for me and how much she put all the effort to give me all the love I needed. She just missed the part when she lied to me, but overall, she's indeed the greatest mother for me.

How should I supposed to perfectly describe her? She has everything I couldn't ask for more. She made me live like a princess for 18 years. She doesn't even allow me to wash my clothes or wash the plates or hold a broom. It's hard for me to live a life I'm not used to live now that she's gone.

I remember the past few months before she died. It was full of our fights. There are times when I never really talked to her for days or weeks even she's trying to reach me out, I still ignored her.

I can't bare to live this life being unable to tell her how's my day going so far, why I am mad, the things that causes my stress and the achievements I've got for the day. A day without her feels incomplete. It's hard for me to think that I'll going to live the rest of my life without her guidance.