The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Two: Loss.

A call telling her that her worst fears had finally came true. She knew it was going to happen, all the indicators were there loud and clear, but she hoped for once she would be wrong and that it would be all in her head.

Everything was a vivid haze, but she somehow remembered every single detail. Her getting out of bed hoping she never have taken that call, but her heart knew something was up so she reluctantly swiped her finger across the screen to answer her brother's call. "It happened," She heard his heavy breath on the other side of the line. She was supposed to make dinner, then go check on him in a few hours but he couldn't wait for her that long.

It was too early in the afternoon for her to have this kind of adrenaline rushing through every part of her body, but she found herself up at the door in less than a few minutes dressed in the darkest colors she could find in her closet. She rushed out of the door and down the few stairs separating her from the main door and into the buzzing streets. She looked around, wondering if anyone can see the pain in her eyes and the disbelief written all over her face, but she doubted anyone would stop to wonder what's going on in her heart so she ignored it as well, her legs managing to carry her body through the crowds, with every step a little closer to her destination, the fear building up inside her gut moving up to her throat nearly suffocating her as she neared the little house she knew so well, the house she had so many fond memories in, the house that will be forever missing one in her book.

She noticed the sun, the concrete and the color of the house realizing minor details she never noticed before as she stopped for a moment trying to catch her breath, not realizing she practically ran all the way here. All sorts of thoughts passed through her mind, could it be a nasty prank, could they misjudged the situation and his heart is beating just fine inside, on his cozy bed in between his sheets? She knew the possibility of any of those being true was as much as zero but she couldn't help but think and hope as she stood by the door ringing it's bell hoping no one would answer, but they did.

She doesn't remember who greeted her at the door, but she remembered her mouth asking the three letter question, that she hoped they would answer with a No. "Is it true?" but it wasn't as she had hoped, their answer wasn't a no. She passed the living room where she noticed the few heads of her younger family members crying hysterically and she decided in her mind that she was the adult here and that she shouldn't cry when she sees him, she should be calm and collected like a responsible adult, but she couldn't. She couldn't hold back the tears flowing out of her eyes and the shocked gasp of pain that came out of her mouth as she saw him laying there in the arms of his daughter lifeless as one could be for that was the exact second it actually hit her, it was just at this moment she realized that this was all real and true. He was gone and there was no coming back.

She collected herself wiping her tears with the hem of her jacket giving him a kiss on his cheeks then his forehead. And knowing it will probably be the last time she will be doing so, she let her lips linger on his face a little bit longer, trying to paint this image in her memory.

It was her first time seeing death in the eye, her first encounter with the scary black ghost that hunts those we love and she didn't want to seem defeated by it so she wiped her tears walking outside to see the rest of the family and her younger cousins weeping. She took one of them in for a hug, not knowing if it was for her comfort or theirs patting their head soothingly as they cried over how they couldn't believe this was happening and how they couldn't bear the pain, making her tears flow a little more.

The atmosphere was dark and strange unlike how she has always seen this place, always full of happiness, love and family. Calls were sent to their closest relatives and cousins and the door was now always open to greet those coming to offer their condolences. Men and women, some she have seen before and some she haven't, came in. Men and women from all over came to show their love, putting in as much effort as they could to help her family through the process and she would lie to say she wasn't thankful, but she didn't remember much of it for her heart and mind only looked at him from that moment she saw his lifeless body on his bed to his lifeless body in a casket being walked to his final resting destination.

And she couldn't help but be amazed by how the night changes, from them sitting together in his living room, happily discussing topics like the pandemic and how it's taking so many lives to him offering her his views on the topic and how scared he was of it all, to him losing his life not a month or so after for a completely different reason. Life, ha?

Losing someone is sad and painful, a d people deal with it in so many different ways, some cry, some shout and some stay silent. But at the end we don't have a choice but to keep those we loved and lost as a beautiful memory deep in our hearts, a memory that passes through our mind like a beautiful ghost every now and then painting our lips with a smile, or our eyes with tears.