The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Twelve: Loneliness.

Loneliness to her was an oh so familiar feeling that comes and goes as pleases. Sometimes in her lowest moments she would feel like she was so alone that she might die and no one would even notice, other times she would push that feeling aside in a hope to survive and get a chance to live. 

But a feeling like this, she realized, is hunting. It keeps consuming you, eating you alive and making you a step away from hating yourself. It makes you hate the road even if it's the road you longed to be on. 

She has been thinking about it a lot lately and she realized the feeling didn't just seep in when she was alone in another part of the planet without those she loved and cared about. She realized it has always been there, on her lonely nights when she craved someone to talk to, someone to tell her that everything will be alright and well, but to her dismay, there was never anyone there by her side to offer her the comfort of those words. It always sat there creeping in on her from the key hole watching out for her darkest days and loneliest hours waiting to sneak in on her and do its job, to make her feel alone and unhappy. 

But it would go away once she immersed herself in the buzz of life and the crowds of people. It would just get shoved to the back of her head and out of her thoughts for a while. But now, she dreads being left alone to her thoughts because she knows it will be there waiting for her to notice, waiting for her to feel it. 

Attempts to mingle, be an extrovert that hangs around people for fun, one that can keep friends, she has tried being those, she has tried being versions of herself that she thought would make things easier, happier and less lonely. But she can't make it work, she can't seem to find connection with those she meets, she can't find a way to keep those she likes, and she can't find a cure for this loneliness she feels. To her it's like a pity party that's just stuck to her as long as she shall live.

Maybe this is why she prefers the long hours of work, the movies with the outgoing lead and the one that is loved by all, over the misery of her thoughts. Maybe that's why she always chooses escapism, knowingly. Because it's the only way she can escape the daunting reality of being alone.