The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Seventeen: Goodbyes

Goodbyes are nothing new to her heart. She had said her fair share of goodbyes along her short lifetime, but for some reason it never got easier! Yes she got used to the sequence of events, the hugs, kisses and cries but she never got used to the heavy feeling in her heart and the guilt of leaving those she loves behind. And she does not believe she can ever get rid of that feeling.

The first time she said goodbye was the shortest, yet maybe the hardest, she didn't know how to live without the ones she loved, she has never done it before. Then the universe chose for her what she didn't love but had to go through and made her goodbyes a constant event in life, and after that one goodbye, her goodbyes seemed to have become more frequent, the distance wider and the time longer.

It was partially her choice, a choice based on her continuous need to be better, to experience something new and do things that most people around her never done. She did it because she simply wanted to live more.

But that does not ease her pain. It somehow never made it easier, having a goal or a reason to leave. Every goodbye was the same, these times were just because of her personal choice and it made it even harder on her heart. It intensified her guilt and worry. She felt guilt for leaving her loved ones behind willingly to pursue something that sometimes seems insignificant compared to a hug from those she love or a small meaningful talk with them. She felt the guilt of missing the milestones and the significant events, the guilt of missing out and the guilt of missing a part of their lives they can never get back and it was killing her.

After the goodbyes, came the tears. She always held back her tears during goodbyes in a fear of showing her guild and fear. She held back to allow the other person to express themselves without adding to their pain, a pain she inflected on them. But once she is out of sight and in the safe haven of her own self, the tears start and never seem to stop. They just keep coming, and her heart continues breaking with every step she takes forward towards the great unknown.

Then life before goodbyes seems like a distant memory, a memory of happiness and sadness, a memory of a stroke of hand, a cuddle, a cry, a hug and a beautiful word of encouragement that seems so distant and it makes her heart long to live it one more time, and her heart continues to break.

And so life goes, full of guilt, fear and goodbyes. But it also has hope to meet again, hope to relive the happy moments and the hope of making new memories with new people you will come to love, people who will make your goodbyes, just a tad bit easier and a tad bit more bearable.

Life goes on, with goodbyes being a significant, inevitable part of it and of us. A part that hurts, but is a chance of a new life, new experiences and new love.