The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Five: Baby Steps.

Having dealt with several mental disorders like anxiety and episodes of depression that often leave her feeling like she is standing on a deserted island, stranded away from everyone, away from her own body, made her realize what a serious and severe problem mental health issues can be and how little we actually know about the topic and what it entails.  

Having to deal with those problems, alone at such a young age made her feel the need to address them in every way she possibly can. It made her want to talk to the younger generations and enlighten them on how much those disorders can affect them if left untreated or unaddressed, for she had to go through most of her childhood and teenage years suffering alone thinking she was the problem, that she was somehow different from  everyone, but little did she know that she wasn't. She was simply suffering unknowingly with no one to save her, not even herself.

She have seen herself drown too many times in her mind, in her search of being like all those seemingly perfect people around her, those who plan and act and don't let their mind keep them from what they aspire to do. She watched as people bloomed into beautiful flowers, while she stayed closed on herself afraid to deal with the world that scared her with it's judgmental stares. She watched her house be a mess but she couldn't bring herself to get up and clean it. She had to cross down the days she didn't even get the chance to live. 

And she never found anyone to talk to. She never found anyone willing to go down that rabbit hole with her, so she kept it in there locked and buried and put on that gorgeous fake smile of hers, because what else would she have done to fit in and live through the things she had to do even though she simply couldn't? 

But I bet they knew she was different, I bet they knew she needed help, but who where there to help, maybe just a few, but they still didn't care to stick around when she was silently wilting inside her own mind unable to give a smile or move. They wasn't there when she waited for a message or a phone call to tell her it's gonna be fine, you got me, you'll always have me. Sometimes she waited for anything for that matter, for anything to get her mind out of her mind, but she still got nothing anyways. 

When she used to go through her social media accounts, seeing all the happy faces that she couldn't relate to, when she waited for her friends to notice the patterns in her posts, the patterns in her words, but little did she know that no one will. 

No one will catch her when she fall, because sometimes all you have is yourself throughout the good days and the days where you want to crawl in a ball and cry because it's too much and you just can't bear it anymore. 

But suffering and overcoming all this had taught her that you can overcome anything if you put your mind to it. It taught her that everything can happen if you walk through it slowly, and patiently. Like a baby's first steps, we never rush a baby to walk, we stop and stare patiently urging him to move forward, putting no pressure on him to do so. The same way you shouldn't rush your body or mind to heal. 

We don't judge and criticize when he falls, on the contrary, we urge him to get up and try again. The same goes with whatever that you're feeling, it is not an unsolvable problem, it never was no matter how some make it look like it is. 

Those problems like any other illnesses, requires care, time and attention. It requires you to be patient with yourself, patient with your mind and body. Some people see therapists to help them overcome the worst part, some choose to see a therapist on regular basis to avoid falling into their mind trap, while some don't have the privilege  of a certified helper, like most people who cannot afford it, or because it's somehow still frowned upon like in some less privileged countries, to which I suggest you work on it on your own. Identify the problem and seek a solution through online help platform or offline communities. Read books and watch videos about mental health issues which will help you identify the problem and how to tackle and hopefully eliminate the cause if it can be tackled without professional help.  And if that didn't work, I urge you to seek medical help because sometimes it can be too much to handle alone and that's no shame, and some problems may require medications and a strategically planned healing plan. 

But whatever it is the road you choose to follow, you still have to hold a battle of your own, because no matter the amount of help you are being offered, it's still nothing without your baby steps and will to get better and overcome this. Because at the end, all you really have is yourself and honestly, that's the best thing you can have no matter how crooked or flawed it may be. You just got to trust yourself when all else fails you.