The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Sixteen: Living abroad

Being a daughter of an immigrant parents who never planned to stay forever in the new country they moved to, had a unique mark on her thoughts and upbringing. She never quite felt like she belonged, there was always that feeling and thought in the back of her mind that this is not her place and this is not her identity, but a temporarily transitional phase in her life.

In her heart she believes that this was one of the main reasons why her relationships never extend widely, and her roots never run deep within the country. Because in her head this was never constant.

This need to belong somewhere never left her heart or mind, it constantly haunted her. And it only intensified after she moved back to her home country during her late teenage years. And the feeling of not belonging remained as everyone had their own lives, their school reunions to go to and their childhood friends to meet while she stood there, alone searching for new friendships and relationships to ease her transition, but it just wasn't the same. Even her cousins seemed to have a bond she can never be a part of, they had their memories and love that was created through the years she was absent.

As the time passed she learned how to act like she belonged, and adapt to new situations to ease her transitions and allow her to live a semi-normal life. A life of someone who looked like they belonged. Even though she still got called out a few times for acting different or being different, she chose to ignore it and go on with her life.

It even made her transition to a third country, alone, a tad bit easier as she already learned how to act like she fit in and how to build relationships from scratch, hoping she can maintain them on the long run despite the distances, like she has been doing her entire life. It made it feel like living abroad with no constant home a part of who she is.

Which made her relieved, the fact that she can adapt quickly and find balance in a new place easily. Her ability to adapt made her relieved. But it created a new fear, the fear of never being able to settle down.

She began getting worried about the fact that she got so used to change, to not living in one place for long and never sitting roots. It created a continuous, growing fear that she can never be like everyone else, choosing one place, creating a family and settling down roots and relationships. The fact that all her dreams involved different places and countries, made her feel worried that maybe her heart is scattered all over the world, unable to settle and live a normal life.

Living in different places may have given her the valuable ability to easily adapt and the valuable chance to meet new people and experience thing many people never get to experience in their lifetime, but it took away her chances and ability to create many long lasting healthy relationships, and created a fear and worry she cannot shake off. But she knows that somethings in life are inevitable, and some experiences are simply meant to happen for one reason or the other, so we have to embrace the fear as we move forward in life and watch it unfold, and enjoy the valuable experiences as we go.