All This Time I Have Been Yours

"2018" part2/2

He tried calling her multiple times that day, but she declined all the calls and turned her phone off..

"Madam, si Sir po nasa labas"

"What!?"

******
She went out of her room
"Why are you here?! Diba sabi ko sayo, wag muna tayong mag usap?" She lowered her voice just to make sure that no one in her household can hear

"Please pag usapan natin to"

"Herbert please, paulit ulit na to eh, napapagod na ko"

"Can you please hear me out?"

"Paulit ulit lang naman ang sinasabi mo"

He step forward to meet her eyes

"Please let us talk, huwag naman ganito Bernadette"

"Dun tayo sa kwarto baka marinig tayo nila ate Mhel at nila Bimb"

She walked inside her room and Herbert followed

"What is it this time? Hulaan ko sasabihin mo na naman na namimisinterpret kita sa lahat ng actions mo?"

"Please let me talk" he said calmly

She raised her eyebrow

"Im sorry, nabigla ako kanina kaya ako tumawag.. hindi ko sinasadya na maiparamdam sayo na naoffend ako sa mga write ups about us. But please understand naman how these people reactions has an impact to me"

"Bakit ako HB? Hindi ba ko naaapektuhan?"

"Im not saying na hindi ka naaapektuhan, what Im saying is hindi ako sanay sa ganitong level of bashing buong pagkatao ko nahusgahan na"

"Kaya nga diba before pa sinasabihan na kita, this is my life kahit anong gawin ko may masasani at masasabi ang mga tao, you said you're ready. Oh bakit ganyan ka ngayon?"

"Bernadette , mahal kita"

"Pero not in a way na kaya mong tanggalin yang ego mo.. hindi mo ko mahal Herbert you just love the idea na nandito ako palagi para gamutin yang loneliness mo, i am not a human version of salonpas, i cannot make myself available for you whenever you feel sad or lonely hindi ko na kaya"

"Hindi yan totoo"

"Herbert thats the truth! Hindi mo ko mabitawan kasi takot kang makuha ako ng iba, pero hindi mo rin naman ako kayang panindigan, hindi ko alam kung anong lugar ko sayo!"

This time her voice is raising up, he tried to reach for her but she refuse his touch

"Alam mo ba kung bakit hindi kita mabitawan? Kasi mahal na mahal kita, hindi ko na alam kung sino pa ang makakasama ko kung hindi ikaw, totoo ang sinabi mo na ikaw yung nakakapag tanggal ng loneliness ko, kasi ikaw ang nagpapasaya sakin, why dont you believe me?"

"But you cant acknowledged the fact na hindi mo ko kayang panindigan"

"Hindi ganun, mahal kita!," his voice raised a little bit "hindi ko lang mapantayan yung pagmamahal na gusto mong ipakita ko sayo,you are not contented of how i can show my love for you in private, I told you before na I cant be a person na bawat galaw iaupdate ang mga tao, sanay ako ng may privacy.. privacy lang ang hinihingi ko sayo Bernadette, yan ang rootcause ng pag aaway natin"

"Herbert hindi mo ba nakikita yung effort ko to be a private person"

"I did! Please know that I did pero hindi maiiwasan na minsan napapag usapan tayo because you are giving them informations na dapat sa atin lang"

"Huwag mong isisi sakin ang lahat!"

"Hindi kita sinisisi"

"You know what, walang pupuntahan tong usapan na 'to"

"Hindi, hindi natin to tatapusin ng pareho tayong galit, our goal here is to win each other back and to clear all the grudges, i will lay all my card, please do so"

"So what do you want?"

"I want you to understand at gusto kong mabura mo na sa isip mo na hindi kita kayang panindigan, kaya ko, if you just let me do it privately, not because im not proud of you, but because i want our relationship to work and I want a happily ever after with you, ikaw anong gusto mo?"

"Im not asking you to be like me, all I ask is kapag ako ang pinag uusapan, ipagtanggol mo naman ako and I want to feel na you are proud of me.. I want to feel na hindi lang ako ang nagmamahal and na malaman ng mga tao na mahal mo rin ako because sometimes it really breaks my heart na you are denying me, nakakababa ng self esteem.. ikaw lang ang gumagawa sakin nito Herbert"

Shes saying those words while tears are flowing

"And you know what hurts me the most? Malapit na kong maniwala na ako lang ang nagmamahal sating dalawa, na ako na lang yung lumalaban for us, tgere are times na i feel lonely even of we are together"

She sits on the edge of the bed, he kneeled in front of her, let her cry her heart out

"Siguro dapat huwag na natin tong ipilit.. kasi the more na lumalapit tayo sa isat isa, mas nasasaktan tayo" she added

"No, please" he shook his head reaching for her hand

"Herbert pareho na tayong unhealthy for each other, emotionally, I know love should give us happiness pero this emotional stress na nararamdaman natin? Iba na.. baka we have to separate ways for us to learn how to laugh again together"

"Bernadette"

"Herbert hindi ako ang unang sumuko, ikaw.. kaya hanggat maaga pa, hanggat mahal pa kita maghiwalay na muna tayo, I dont want to reach on the point na ubos na ubos na yung pagmamahal ko sayo"

He hugged her tight, crying