Depths of Despair (Revision)

Prologue

Warning: Suicide. Strong language. Drugs.

I am a child of God. A woman of power and strength. I am brave, with a little fear of the heart.

Growing up in an environment where love was restricted to show or affection was not a main dish, I am hungry for it.

The blood on my wrist was tickling, but I had a smile plastered on my face.

The addicting smell of drugs in the air makes me alive at some point. The cigarette spread on the floor was my enjoyment.

Tasting the blood on my lips while sniffing is my happiness and pride. The darkness that consumed me slowly became bright as a shadow appeared in front of my eyes.

"You're using that again?"

Thick as air. More dangerous than siren. Sharper than knife. 

Isang marahas na mga kamay ang kumadena sa aking bisig at malakas akong itinayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa malamig na sahig. Namamalat na tawa ang nailabas ko pagkatayo sa malamig na semento na iyon.

I squinted my eyes but it was blurry. Naririnig ko lang ay ang pagkabasag ng kung ano at malalakas at padabog na pagbagsak ng mga gamit sa isang tabi.

"Tangina, istorbo," naiinis na saad ko habang naglalakad papunta sa mesa kung saan nandoon ang ilang mga pakete.

Bago ko pa maabot ang mga iyon ay nalaglag na ang mga ito sa sahig kasabay ng pagkasira ng lamesa dahil sa pagbato ng kung sino. Lumikha iyon ng malakas at nakakabinging tunog.

"Ano ba? Malas!" sigaw ko at pilit inaninag ang bulto ng anino sa aking harap.

"Putangina talaga! Why are you doing this?" I felt a grip on my shoulder but I shrug it off.

"Who you ba?" tanong ko at natawa. "Tangina ingles 'yon ha! Akala mo ikaw lang marunong. Psh. I'm a college student, bro."

Halakhak ang naging turan ko sa dumadagundong na galit at sigaw ng taong iyon. Yumuko ako upang magpigil ng tawa ngunit nang marinig ang katahimikan at ang mabibigat na paghinga ay doon ako natigilan, napaupo at tuluyang napahagulgol.

"Anong g-ginagawa mo rito?" paos at nauutal na tanong ko habang pinupunasan ang mga luhang nag-aalpasan sa aking mukha. "You shouldn't be here."

"Dito ako dinala ng pagmamahal ko sa 'yo. When will you stop?" paos na tanong nito matapos ang ilang minutong pananahimik.

I smirked as I felt pain in my mouth. It was yesterday's wound, yet I felt the pain of it just now.

"Addiction is so addictive." I stated. My dry laughed echoed in the four sides of this room. "The real question is why would I stop?"

I am taking drugs. I don't know when I started to use it, but the only thing I know is that it helps me to forget that I exist in a world that I didn't even ask to live in. I didn't even ask to be born. It was because of their libido and not because of love or some sort of connection.

"You're ruining your life."

Mas lumawak ang naging ngisi ko. It's not my first time to heard those words. Paulit-ulit na lang sa puntong nakakasawa na at saulado ko na ang bawat isasagot.