Depths of Despair (Revision)

Chapter 4

That bruise and the love that I have for him never change, not for a moment. It never changes; it just remains hidden.

I can't save the love that we've lost, dahil ako mismo ang sumira nito bago pa man mabuo ang pag-usbong ng pagmamahalan sa pagitan naming dalawa.

Before he could even plan something, I ruined it, and if someone asks me if I regret what I did before, I won't ever say yes. I'm not collateral damage that needs to be fixed because I was never whole from the very start.

Hindi naging kami ni Laxus, but we had a mutual understanding and feelings towards each other when we were in our first year of college. I already knew him before and may crush ako sa kaniya. I didn't expect that he would also like me at that time. Nalaman ko lang nang simula kaming magkausap noon.

He didn't court me, and I didn't say I liked him, but deep down in our hearts, we both know that we complete our loneliness. I cut it off before he could even ask me and make everything obvious between us.

Now that we're both in our 4th year of college and graduating, I didn't expect that the memories I tried to forget for a long time would come back in just one second.

"Is everything okay here, guys? Pres, paattendance ako."

We both glance at Lynia, who has already come back and has a curious look on her face. Nagtatanong ang mga matang tumingin ito sa akin na kaagad kong inilingan.

"Nothing. Here."

Inabot niya sa huli ang papel at hindi na ako nagawang tignan pa. Hinintay niya lang matapos pumirma ang kaibigan ko at kaagad umupo sa kaniyang pwesto.

I did everything to calm myself. Hindi ako tumingin kay Lynia upang maiwasan ang nanunuri niyang mga mata. I don't want her to notice that something's wrong with me.

Mabilis dumaan ang oras at hindi ko namalayan na hila-hila na ako ni Lynia pagkaalis pa lamang ng prof. I saw in my periphal vision that Laxus was looking at me, but I didn't bother to look back at him because Lynia was already dragging me.

"What was that? Para kayong magpapatayan sa mga tinginan niyo kanina. Does he finally break your patience?" kaagad na tanong nito pagkabitaw sa akin.

I remain silent and think of another reason. Ayokong malaman niya o kahit sino sa kanila na may namamagitan sa amin dati. Hindi ko naman kasi ibinahagi ang parteng iyon sa kanila. I always choose to stay unbothered whenever they're asking me what's going on between the two of us.

Ang alam lang nila ay hindi kami magkasundong dalawa, at gusto ko man na itama iyon ay hindi ko na ginawa. Mas mabuti na rin na ganoon ang tingin nila sa amin dahil hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin.

"What's new? Puputi na lang ang buhok mo kahihintay na maging maayos kaming dalawa." Itinago ko ang pangamba sa pamamagitan ng aking pagngisi.

She squinted her eyes, still looking at me suspiciously.

"Sure ka bang magkaaway lang talaga kayo? Why do I feel like there's something going on between the two of you deeper than what you're saying? Are you keeping secrets from me, Kianna?"

Saglit akong natigilan sa kaniyang biglaang tanong. Sa aming magkakaibigan, masasabi kong si Lynia ang pinaka observant. She knows how to join the crowd but she's also putting limits on it. Siya rin ang una kong nakilala sa kanila kaya hindi makakaila na alam niya ang bawat galaw ko.

"Guni-guni mo lang 'yan."

I try to make a joke to make the situation lightly. Inirapan ako nito at napabuntong-hininga na lang nang mahalata na wala siyang makukuhang sagot sa akin.