Ikigai

Behind

There were times when you were young where you've done things that make you look back now and thought how cringey and desperate you looked back in those days. But you never realized it. Until now. 

Younger days where love seems to be the only thing grasping your heart and soul. The times where you know with yourself that you would do anything for that certain person. Remembering it now, makes you think where did that part of you go. The person who made your world revolve only around him? The times where you'd skip a class just to be with him. The times when you can actually fight off everyone just to have him off yourself. But what had happened now?

What happened to you? Where did all the bravery go? Where was the said person you once loved so fully? You fully accepted that it was only you feeling those strong affections towards him and yet you still hoped that maybe, even maybe, he'd soon realize your worth. 

You helped him with his subjects even if it meant that you couldn't finish yours. But you didn't mind. You were in love. 

Naive. 

Foolish. 

Inexperienced. 

Your friends saw how you were the only one pursuing the said person and tried to make you realize that there won't be any "Us" in the near future but you refused to believe. You were so young you believe in fairytales, chances, and other things that somehow you guys are really meant for each other. He would thank you for all your efforts but that was it, and yet you'd feel the giddiness in your stomach and soon your cheeks turn red. Fully blushing. 

You remembered how you guys never really talk as it was always you making the effort of trying to converse a topic with him. You chuckled now as you realized you did look pathetic. You were always behind him when he walks as you know sooner or later he'd be needing your assistance with something and it fulfills your heart to the fullest. A great achievement. 

There was never an "Us" but you felt as if you guys were in a relationship as you do all the things a girlfriend does. But then, you also remembered the time when all your fantasy came crumbling down. Hurting yourself piece by piece.

It was at that moment when you finally knew it was game over. 

"We were never a thing"

"I never said we were a couple, your mind played you games"

"You were the only one pushing yourself  to me even if it was clear as daylight that I was never interested in you in that way"

"I am sorry but I would never fall in love with someone like you."

And then you remembered how crushed your heart was. It felt as if oxygen escaped your lungs. It was hard to breathe. The person you love the most would never be yours. 

You stayed away. For good. And it was a long time before your heart did heal for real. But that was now all in the past. You now smiled while reminiscing those memories of you doing those things all in the name of love. You now learned that not everything would be the way you wanted it to be. Love won't always be as beautiful as the fairytales you read when you were a child. Love is actually complicated. But you never regretted those times.

You were still thankful for that person as they molded you into the person you are right now in this instance. You learned a lot from those mistakes. You now know that next time, when you fall in love you won't really give it your all. You smile and hope that the person you fell in love with last time would also realize that they lost a gem. You hope they too would have thoughts that would strike him how you were always there, staying behind him just in case. In case he looks back and couldn't find you amidst the crowd. But that was too much to ask. 

You are now happy without him. This time you are wiser, older, bolder, and prettier inside and out. It was only a matter of time you find the right person with who you'll pour your love.