Ikigai

Memories

There are memories within us that we would like to forget, but if we think about it, they helped shape who we are today. Those wrong decisions and choices that lead us to our true destination. The lessons we learned along the way and the knowledge that we will not repeat them in a similar situation.

For instance the memory of I, repeatedly choosing to love the wrong person. I chose him, but he didn't, and it seemed okay at the time as long as I was with him, by his side. I chose to find a reasonable explanation to why he did what he did then forgiving all of his mistakes right after. It seemed the right thing to do at that moment. 

I was hoping for an assurance, but he didn't give it to me. We weren't a thing (God I was hoping we were during those times, I was desperate) but there were times when he'd make me feel like I was the only woman in his life, only to discover that I wasn't.

The memory of seeing his conversations with other women in his phone made me sick to my very core.

Heart crushed.

The pain unbearable.

Lost.

Confuse.

List all of the emotions that can be felt. However, one emotion fueled the others.

Numbness.

I was numb from crying so much. I came to a realization by that point. For the first time, I felt that my worth as a woman was not valued as it should be. If a man truly loves you and only wants you, he will go to any length to make you his; legally. It wasn't the same for him, I realized.

I'd be the only one attempting to save a relationship that was doomed from the start. Yet it's amusing how we said "I love you" to each other. I guess I was the only one who understood what the word was trying to convey.

I tried to end whatever we were having, but I ended up falling back into his arms. I was like a moth, and he was the light I was always drawn to.

I finally had enough and did everything I could to flee. Fortunately, I did not turn back this time.I formed a strong bond with depression and loneliness, cursing myself for loving you, promising myself that I would never let myself love anyone again, threatening myself not to watch those unfaithful and false movies......they don't match real life.

After that, we were never seen together again. You had your girl (I guess? Since I haven't heard any news from you after cutting all ties), and I had my loneliness. While staring at the slow-moving ceiling fan, my room's walls, my diary, and my favourite novels, I heard something. All of these things were questioning me, I heard. 

Why am I torturing myself like this?

Do I lack a sense of self?

And I suddenly remembered that there are people in my life who love me more than I have loved you, who would not break my heart the way you did.

I've moved on now. But it's been so long that I can't remember who I am. For all of these years, I've only loved you and thought about you. It is now difficult for me to reclaim myself. But it feels good to be back, to have my share of life back. There is now a void in my heart, but I know that time will fill it, and my heart knows that this space has been reserved for the person who deserves it.

Today I feel liberated. Looking back, I recall some of the times I spent with you. Those are the times when you feel pain, happiness, joy, tears, and smiles. Those are the times when you write some of your most poetic love letters. I haven't burned them or buried them, but I have let them fly........fly away from me and I have broken the walls of my life that were built on your dreams that were never meant to be mine. Today I am free, and I have reclaimed my soul and myself. I've learned to let go, but the memories of us will always be in my mind and heart. He will always have a special place in my heart but he is not mine and I've learned that in a hard way. 

Thank you for making me learn that there really are people who are not meant to be together. Wherever he is right now, I just hope he too, would have an abundant of happiness and a partner to whom he would now really treasure and love whole heartedly.