Ikigai

Père et mère.

When you hear the word "parents," the first thing that comes to mind is the people who should know you inside and out. Your parents are the ones who brought you into this world. They are the ones who will nurture you as you grow older. The people who will shape your personality and allow you to soar and fly high when you are ready to face the world on your own. Your supposed strong backbone. Only to turn out to be false.

These are the same people who will look down on you multiple times simply because you failed to meet their expectations. Their support comes only when they see you as a successful individual who brags to others about how you became who you are because of them. They're not entirely wrong, but still. They are also the same people who keep telling you to raise your voice in order to be heard, but it is actually them who are not listening to you, so you decide to just shut up because your opinions don't matter to them anyway. Even so, they have the audacity to inquire as to why you are no longer vocal and open to them.

The parents you once adored as a child because they protected you from the monsters under your bed have become the very thing you fear the most as you grow older. It's strange how they turned into their own monsters. They weren't under your bed this time, and there was no one to protect you from them. Those fears, which have evolved into anxiety as a result of thinking every possible thought in order to maintain their happiness and avoid disappointing them by having you as their child, are now manifesting as depression. One day, they inquired as to why you were changing. You looked them in the eyes and replied, "I grew up, that's all, and people change all the time."

They noticed your declining social skills and advised you to attend parties rather than locking yourself in. You stated that you were not in the mood but were enraged as to why you were reacting in this manner. Social interaction with real people is dwindling. Upset, you yelled back that you were already a party, and it was a party you didn't want to be at. They are taken aback by your response. It's just not fun having fun when you know you're not having any fun at all, mom and dad, but they don't seem to understand. As usual.

Days turned into months, then years, and one day your parents asked why you had suddenly become such a stranger in their eyes. They can't seem to feel the child they once held and hugged. You returned their smile, teary-eyed. "I have the same question. What have I turned into?" They don't say anything. Without a doubt. They weren't used to being treated like this. They took advantage of you by portraying you as an obedient child who obeyed all of their commands. They are, indeed, the adults. No matter where you put the picture, they were always correct and you were always wrong. You'd have a fight, they disregard your existence for voicing your concern, so you feel bad and apologize because you apparently disrespected them even though you weren't. But it seemed acceptable for your parents to make you feel like a jerk. And the cycle continues indefinitely. It just keeps going.

And they're perplexed as to why you're acting this way. They can't seem to accept that their actions may have contributed to their child's behavior. It feels strange even in your own "home," or whatever home feels like. You have the impression that you do not belong. You never feel at ease, safe, or comfortable showing your true self. What is the true meaning of home? Because it is a question that has yet to be answered.

Of course, this would go unnoticed by them as well. You're worried about your thoughts, and you're already feeling hopeless. They're preoccupied with demonstrating to the world how much of a "great parent" they are by providing you with financial support and making it appear that they always know what's best for their children.

Only it isn't. They don't admit that most of the time they have no idea what they're doing, which only pushes us away. They push and dictate what's best for you without even asking if you're okay with what they're doing or if it's the best path and choice you truly desired. You gave in to what they wanted because you were afraid of disappointing them again if you showed them what you truly desired in life. Because, according to them, you are still inexperienced in the real world, making you feel like a complete idiot. Even if that isn't what you wanted out of life, you're stuck with it because you decided to always make them happy and proud.

But what is the cost of their happiness? It was yours. What is it like to make decisions for yourself without regard for what your parents think, and to do so without regard for the feelings of others? You laughed because you never know.

You sipped your drink and puffed the last smoke from your cigarette, knowing that your questions and thoughts would not be answered anytime soon. You sat with your depressed self, attempting to clean up before meeting your parents in your office in about five minutes.When they arrive, act smart and happy, as you reminded yourself. And, with the phoniest smile you've ever put on, you begin the process of trying to make them happy for as long as you possibly can. Questioning yourself "Until when?"