Alive (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 36

It's been a week. Everything is not fine.

I can count on one hand the real conversations we've had the past week and can count on two fingers how many nights he's stayed with me.

My worst nightmares were coming true, but I wasn't doing anything to stop it. I was almost afraid to talk, scared that if I said the wrong thing he would leave. My silence wasn't helping me either, it was probably making it worse.

Louis was sat on the couch with me but we were on opposite sides. There was a movie playing but I was paying no attention to it, I was to zoned into my troubled thoughts to. Only when I noticed the movie was paused did I really snap out of it.

I looked over at Louis who was already staring at me. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. He was looking at me with such annoyance it almost made me want to cry.

"What's wrong with you?" He asks.

"What are you talking about?" I snap at him looking away.

"Don't give me that, you know exactly what I'm talking about." I give him a dirty glare and shake my head.

"You haven't said hardly anything for a week! And anytime you do its you giving a snarky remark or comment." He wasn't lying, it was true. I didn't mean to really, I was building up defenses but I didn't know why.

"How would you know you haven't even been here to know anything that's going on with me!" He stands up and so do I, both of us getting angrier by the second.

"I'm with you all the time and you freak out when I leave, that's not my fault."

"I do not!"

"Don't even try to deny it you hate it when I'm gone."

"Is that such a bad thing really? I'm sorry that I don't have anybody else here!" I yell but he doesn't back down.

"And whose fault is that, mine? No I don't think so. You're the one who never talks to anybody else besides me so don't blame me for that. Maybe if you opened your mouth to any other person you wouldn't have this problem. You cling onto me and it's pathetic." I feel like I've been punched in the gut but I don't stop.

"Oh I'm sorry that almost every girl on campus hates me so I don't really get the chance to talk to many people."

"And why would they hate you?" He asks as if he's getting bored.

"Because of you! They all hate me because they want you and I'm in their way."

"That always works its way into the conversation, doesn't it? Every girl wants to sleep with me and you always have to bring it up and I'm sick of it. Why do you have to be so goddamn insecure and jealous?"

"You think I'm jealous of those whores? They'll take half of their clothes off for guys to notice them." I scoff, folding my arms around my chest. A knife keeps making its way into my heart and out after every word he says.

"Then why does it always come up!" I fumble for an answer after that comment. I try and quickly recover.

"Maybe I should be more jealous seeing as you and Amber have wonderful heart to heart talks." I add.

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw you at the beach last week with all those guys after you left here. And you decided to tell her all our problems for her to fix." He narrows his eyes at me understanding what I was saying now.

"So you were spying on me huh?"

"Of course not I have better things to do than watch you flirt with other girls." My mouth is moving faster than my brain and I can't seem to stop it.

"Alright for starters I wasn't flirting with her we were jut talking but you can't see that can you? You're to messed up that you think that I'm going to leave you when I talk to anybody else. So what your friend died get over it you shouldn't be this screwed up just because someone died. It's suffocating to have to deal with all the problems that come along with you!" I stopped breathing after his rant. Did he really think all that? Everything I hoped would never happen did and it's all my fault.

"Get out." I say barely over a whisper.

"What?"

"I said get out!" I started shoving and pushing him to the door, yelling every curse word I could think of at him. I shoved him out and slammed the door, hot tears falling down my face.

I needed to break something or scream, do anything. I looked around and saw a vase and without thinking I chucked it at the wall. It shattered all over the place and it felt good to hear and see it break. I wanted to do it again.

I saw a picture of us on the shelf and chucked it on the ground as well. I saw the several cracks go through it but I still wasn't satisfied.

I went on a rampage finding anything breakable, anything to throw. I took all the plates out smashing them one by one on the floor. Glass was next. Cups, bowls, I grabbed anything that I knew would shatter. I ran into the bathroom sliding all my makeup off of the counter and onto the floor. I opened the mirror and threw everything out of there as well. There was a pile of all my crap on the floor and I couldn't stand the sight of it.

I stumbled out of the bathroom feeling dizzy. Why was I dizzy? I looked down and saw I was covered in blood. My legs and arms were dripping with it. Why couldn't I feel it?

I made it back into the kitchen and nearly collapsed on the floor, landing in a pile of glass but I still felt nothing.

What I could feel is the pain in my heart. What did I do to deserve this? No I do deserve this. How could I joke myself into thinking that anybody else could love me? I'm to much baggage, to much effort.

I want it to be over I don't want to feel this pain anymore, I don't have anything else. My heart is already gone so why am I still here? I wish everything would disappear. I can't live through this any longer.

Slowly my wish is granted as my eyes begin to close without permission. I can feel everything start to slip away even the pain. I embrace the darkness with open arms.