Together [BL]

6

You return with a big smile and eyes glued onto the flowers that supposedly itches your nose. You seem thankful and content like it is a good moment in your life.

Although I know that I once loved you and not anymore, I still feel anger and jealousy. I know I shouldn't because you don't belong to me. I know I shouldn't because soon you'll forget about me.

"These flowers look so real, don't they?" You place the flowers before me with an anticipating grin.

I don't know what you want from me? Do you want me to admire the flowers someone give you? He knows you so well to bring you fake flowers.

"You don't like them?"

"Why would I—they're nice."

"You don't want them?"

"Aren't they yours?"

You chuckle and lean in to kiss my forehead, "I got them for you. I hope you like them."

"Oh... I like them very much," I couldn't control the shakiness of my voice. I take the flowers from you, "Thank you. I'll treasure them."

Treasure? What is this word that I am saying?

Your movements stop as you stare into my eyes like a frighten puppy. Your eyes are turning red, and a tear escapes. It's only now that I realize how sad and lonely your eyes are. They're like the ones I see on myself whenever I see my reflection.

"Leo? Why are you crying?"

Startled, I reach for my eyes and notice that they're wet indeed. I look down at the flowers, "It must be the pollen."

"They're fake because we're both allergic to flowers." You fondle with the flowers to show me that they're fake. When you realize that you've already told me this, your mouth frowns and your hand reaches for my face and wipes away my tears.

"Please, I beg you. Don't be gentle with me when you already have someone else. It hurts me a lot even if I don't remember anything."

Your brows narrow. I can't tell if you're angry or confused... Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I should just be silent like how I've been.

"It hurts where, Leo? Show me where it hurts."

I hesitate to go along but your eyes are soft and sincere. The creases between your eyebrows have increased since the last time our faces are this close. I take your hand and place it over my heart, "You hurt me here."

"How do I hurt your there? When?"

"When you're gentle with me but have no plan to... No plan to love me or stay with me."

Your mouth opens and closes but no sound escapes. I can see that you're struggling to be gentle with me because what I said is true. You have no plan to love me or stay with me.

I push your hand and you away. I cuddle the flowers because I've promised to treasure them, "You should go see him. I'll return to the house when I'm discharged."

Soon you leave me without saying another word. Your presence is gone and I can feel the sharp pain in my chest... This body that remembers must love you a lot to react in this way. It's a good thing I don't remember.

In the afternoon, my doctor comes in and say that I am not ready to be discharged. They would like to watch over me for a few more days since my condition may have an effect on the fetus inside me.

I nod along because I can only think about how nice it would be if you're here with me. How nice it would be if you actually love me. Then perhaps I can love you even if there are twenty years of our marriage that I don't remember.

Penny comes in after my doctor left. He sits by the bed and frowns, "Does it hurt anywhere?"

I nod and point at my chest, "He doesn't love me."

"I know. I told you to divorce him."

"Penny, do me a favor and tell me how he and I got married. Tell me about the first few years of my marriage. Tell me about when he and I start drifting apart. Tell me about when I—"

"Leo, you know those times better than I do. You lived it. And how does reminiscing over the past help you leave him? He doesn't deserve your attention, Leo."

I return to the fake flowers that the nurses had helped me put in a vase. I sigh, "Then answer me this. Did he love me?"

"Yes. I believe he loved you and that's why I'm so angry for you. I trusted his love for you and yet he did this to you. He's a monster."

Then we talk about Penny's daughter who is about to finish preschool this summer, their family summer vacation, and his daughter birthday next weekend. He make me promise to be there if I can make it.

Later that evening, you didn't show up. Neither the next day or the following two days.

My doctor says that my condition has worsened. My heart is weak and required a heart transplant. In a few days, I need to either birth the child prematurely or terminate the pregnancy. My heart cannot support the both of us any longer.

The winter storm outside is mesmerizing. I have thought through many things. In these time, I recall some things like how your family and my family disapproved of our relationship long ago, especially my family. They disowned me, the trigger for your marriage proposal. We wanted children but we were scared of prioritizing our career over them.

I remember some things from the couple therapy... We had a fight about six years ago about your sister and Penny. You left for a business trip and I went crazy. When you returned, I've forgotten you and everything about you.

This child is the last remembrance of us. Initially, I thought that I should give birth to this child and torture you with what's left of me. Then, I thought that I would deny you anything of me.

But today, the baby inside kicks when I think of you again. It's the first time I feel that this fetus is alive and my child. This poor child doesn't deserve to be in the crossfire of our wars, however, I cannot stop that.

Even if I want us to try and mend our marriage, you are ready to move on. So, I think the best for this child of ours is both of us. Some days the child will be with me and some days the child will be with you. It is not the best but it is what I can give. I will treasure this last gift you left with me as well.