Together [BL]

9

The weather is partial to me. It's a blizzard as I cry my heart. The hospital is worried of a power outrage even though they've double checked the backup.

You have a large share of this hospital so even when I asked to remove you from my list of allowed visitors, you still waiting at my door with a bag of what I assume is green mangoes. You probably didn't even remember what brand I like.

It was seven years ago that I had a miscarriage. We weren't ready then or now, but like that time we still wanted the child if possible. After all these years, do you still blame me? It's only logical that you do... because I do.

It's hard enough already to bear a child as a man, but we knew I couldn't because of my weak heart. If only I remember this sooner, I would've found a new heart before conceiving this little one.

Why didn't I find a new heart? Why didn't I care about my health? Why did I allow this to happen again?

When it's very dark outside, my doctor comes in and talk about some stuff. I think he is suggesting that I try therapy since I've been crying all day. But I can only focus on the figures outside my room, embracing each other.

"Let me close the blinds," my doctor sighs.

"I want to transfer to a different hospital. The further away from here the better. Maybe somewhere in Germany."

"Leo, that's very dangerous. If it is not absolutely necessary, I will always advise against that—"

"My baby won't survive until full term in my body. My baby probably won't survive with your schedule. This country won't allow you to take my baby out and put my baby in a incubated sac, so I'll have the Germans do it. I know what I'm risking, I know my body well."

My doctor knits his brows and says some comforting words. Afterwards, he leaves, and I am left with a heartache.

I rub the strange shape my stomach has molded into. It has been a month since I realize I'm pregnant. The baby really doesn't show much. I want to be a good parent. I don't want to be like my parents.

Soon, I turn off the lights and lies in bed. As soon as I see the fake flowers in a vase under the LED lights from the monitors, I am reminded of your existence. I can't seem to figure out whether you like me or the idea of me with a child.

Because it was my first pregnancy and miscarriage that drove you away and it is this pregnancy that draws you back to me... Maybe, I never had a chance in your heart. I wish you'll go away.

In the morning when I hear the nurse come in, she gasps and wakes the person holding's my hand. "You can't be here, sir. Please leave."

"It's okay. I want to talk to him one last time," I glance at you whose hair is greasy and messy like you haven't showered in a while.

The nurse nods, finishes up my morning checkups, and leaves with a hopeful smile. I can only guess at what she is hoping for.

"You wanted the divorce. Why are you clinging on to me? If it's for the child, I already agreed on partial custody. We'll sign the papers as soon as the baby comes out. Now, please stop bothering with my life."

You furrows your brows and sucks in your lips. I know an apology and an excuse are coming, but the words you say don't register with my previous understandings.

You look into my eyes and take my hands, "I don't want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce, truly. I was doing it in spite because I thought you're doing it in spite."

"Then who is he? Your lover or your partner in crime?"

"He's... He was my partner in crime but in the past we did overstep the boundary a couple times. Today, he is just a partner in crime. I had him help me stir you up. I wanted your attention, Leo. I still want your attention."

I retract my hands and sigh deeply and sincerely. I don't ever recall you having this type of behavior or personality. The person I fell in love with was confident and confronts his passions and insecurities. He confesses first, loves first, forgives first, tends first... He was the one. You are not him, not anymore.

"I... You... We can't. We can't stay married. We don't trust each other. We ran away from each other. You had gave up on me, and I am going to up on you. The fundamentals had withered away throughout the years. We shouldn't try to mend something that isn't there anymore."

You drop to your knee beside my bed and grab onto the sheets covering my legs. It is only now that I realize how red and dark your eyes are. The folds at the corner of your eyes are slightly visible as well as your smile lines. In other words, you've stayed up and cried for me (and or this child) but you can have a fine life without me.

"Leo..."

"I remember why you got mad at me and ran away. I remember how crazy and desperate I was but you didn't even answer my calls. I remember all those times I tried to kill myself because of you. I remember why I forgot you. Do you remember why you got mad at me?"

My question seems to stump you. Your lips part and seal like a person trying to think of something for an excuse or an lie.

"I apologize. I will continue to apologize for the rest of my days. I was wrong for accusing you of not wanting a child. I was wrong to find anything to yell at you for. I was wrong to go away for two years and never staying in contact. I was wrong of breaking my vows to you. Leo, I was wrong in so many ways. I—"

I grab the vase with fake flowers, "I'm returning these. I can't treasure them because i don't want to be reminded that you exist. Let's divorce for good."