Together [BL]

12

My eyes glance up to see your bashful and guilty expression. I know that whatever my daughter is suggesting came from your thoughts and words.

"Is my little girl hungry?"

"Very!" She tilts her head toward you and shows a sly grin, "Papa, help me make lunch for mommy?"

You nods proudly as if everything is going according to your plan.

"What will you make for mommy?" I ask her.

She looks at her feet and whispers, "It's a secret... May I use the kitchen with papa?"

"Yes. But please clean up after yourself, okay?"

"That's a given, mommy!" She rushes to your side with a bright smile, "Papa, let's make it. Mommy must not wait too long or he'll leave us again!"

I suck in my lips, contemplating about the trauma I've already caused in her. Perhaps I should come to a conclusion sooner rather than later... But I must help her understand. I don't want her to blame me.

While you two are busy in the kitchen, I continue to clean up.

I wonder why you're still not telling me anything about our corporation. It is still ours, right? You must've already guessed who those individuals in my apartment earlier are, and what I want them to do.

Once I'm done with cleaning, I ask my daughter if they need any help. She chases me out of the kitchen. So, I rest my head on the arm of the sofa as my mind drifts away.

"Mommy? Mommy?" Her little hands rub my knee, "Come eat lunch with me and papa. Let's hurry before the food gets cold."

"You're done already?"

"Yes. Hurry, mommy!" Her little body drags me to the dinning table. There are three set of plate prepared. You stand behind a chair, waiting for us. Our daughter tugs at my sleeve, "Washy hands, mommy."

"Okay."

When I return, our daughter is already in her seat, watching us in anticipation; while you pull out a chair for me. I am seated between both your and our daughter's attention.

"Does it look good?" She asks me, but your eyes are more jarring.

"Very. Thank you to you both for preparing this meal. I am very happy. Shall we eat?"

She nods and digs in. You smile to yourself like a teenager toward his crush. You look odd in that way, but very innocent and sincere. I can almost fall for that smile again.

"Is there something on my face? Or are you admiring my handsomeness?" You whips out a cunning grin, and our daughter giggles with you.

I only offer a bleak smile and eats some more.

After lunch, you both clean up and washes the dishes while I'm forced to sit and watch. I know you both mean well, but I feel left out. It's like a learned routine between the two of you, and because I wasn't there I can't take part in it even if I'm here now.

"Mommy!" The little giant feet rushes toward me with a bright laughter, "Mommy! It's nap time. Nap with me!"

She climbs onto my lap and rests against my body. Her scent in my nose makes me regret not being there when she was born, when the baby scent lingered. Her stars-like eyes looks up at me with a pouty mouth, "Mommy doesn't want to nap with me?"

"Of course I do. Where do you want to nap? The guest room or my bed?"

"Um," she turns toward you and giggles. "In mommy's bed with papa on my left and mommy on my right."

When she notices that I am going to refuse, she leans in to whisper, "Papa has nightmares. Only I can shoo them away, but I want to sleep with mommy. Please let papa sleep with us. Please?"

I see your expecting face as if you knew what she whispered to me about. I restrain my sigh and response, "Okay. Let's go nap."

With our daughter between us on this large bed, you sleep soundly beside her. I'm not sure if I am expecting a play from you or not, yet I feel the slightest disappointment.

Thirty minutes in, and your brows rub against each other. Small pearls of sweat begin to form and swim down the temples of your head. To help you, I get out of the bed and goes to yours. I wipe away the sweat and massage the place between your brows.

"Leo..."

I withdraw my hands, but you catches my waist. Your moans again, "Leo..."

"I'm here."

"Leo..."

"I'm here—" I realize that you're still sleeping. I catch myself asking why you would call out my name in your nightmare. Am I still the cause of your suffering?

Since you wouldn't let go of me, I allow myself to lie on top of you and sleep.

When I begin to wake up, I hear our daughter's blabbering sounds. I push myself up and quickly falls back onto your embrace. You and our daughter laugh at me.

"Oh. Mommy, please don't get mad at papa and me. We didn't mean to laugh." Her bright eyes begins to water and she also cover hers and your mouths.

I guess I don't realize the face I am making.

"Leo... We're sorry. Please forgive us?"

"Like papa said. Please forgive us, mommy. Please?"

I push myself up once more. I stretch out my arms and pinch her cheek, "Mommy isn't mad, so there isn't anything to forgive."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"Mommy promises. Mommy isn't mad." I force a smile, but she notices it immediately. Her face falls apart and the cries erupt.

You let go of my waist at last and comfort our daughter. She refuses to look at me and cries softly in your arms.

I want to hug her too and tell her I'm sorry. I don't know what face I made to make her cry. Am I—I am a terrible parent. How do I hide all of my badness from her sensitivity? How do I let her know I love her regardless of what's on my face?

Once she's more quiet, you gesture for me to get closer. You take my hand and bring my arm around her. You say to her, "My daughter is strong and kind. Mommy has been sick for a long time. Mommy isn't his best yet. But mommy loves you even if he doesn't know how to show it yet. So for now, can my daughter forgive mommy?"

The rosy little face turns to me and looks me in the eyes. There are still tears in her eyes at the brink of falling out, waiting to hear a confirmation from me.

"Mommy loves you and is very sorry, will you forgive mommy?" I try my best, and she turns to dig deeper into your chest.

"Leo, why are you crying? It's okay," you lift a hand to wipe my eyes. "She's just a little startled. You'll both get more used to each other soon."

I move away from your hands, gets up, and leave the room.